Satire: WUS President celebrates 100th annual tuition increase with raise

In other news, graduate students receive pay decrease



Those bags were also paid for with the tuition increase!

CARSON HOLLAND, Evergreen columnist

If Cougs should aspire to anything we should aspire to be like our neighbors over at WUS, a beacon of progress and a school that has some of the best student relations in the state. 

In recent news from Washington University State, their president, Sirk Kchulz, decided to celebrate the school’s 100th annual tuition raise by increasing his own salary. 

In a recent statement from the high walls of Kchulz’s multi-million dollar mansion, the WUS school president spoke about the timing of the pay increase and how needed it was. 

“We all have been going through the financial hardships caused by the recent pandemic,” Kchulz said. “I couldn’t use the private jet anymore, I had to fly first class! I am glad they had the curtain between first class and coach so I could still enjoy despite this unjust treatment I am receiving.”

Kchulz later went on to say that the tuition increase will be used not only to fund his pay increase, but also to construct 13 additional buildings on campus to be completed in 2090. 

“In order to show solidarity with the poors, I took a 10% pay cut during the pandemic,” he said. “If you think about it I lost a lot more than all of you, 10% of mine is how much you make yearly! Why are you all crying?”

While some have accused the WUS president of being “tone deaf” and “overly elitist,” I think such accusations are nothing more than vicious lies. 

Has tuition seemingly increased at WUS for the last 100 years with nothing to show for it? Uh … next question. Was Kchulz seen on a pile of two-dollar bills laughing like a Disney villain? Of course he was, that is a constitutionally protected right.  

I think it is telling that Kchulz announced his brief pay cut in solidarity at all, he could have kept silent it about it and no one would have known. Frankly, some wonder what his actual function is for WUS, but I generally think of it as a Hoover Vacuum Cleaner sucking up all that loose money students have that Transportation Services does not get to first. 

Some students seem to be more upset about the pay raise than others, but they are probably just looking for something to complain about. 

WUS graduate students took to the streets to protest “fair wages” and “compensation so they can actually afford to eat” and other boring things like that. They do not know the financial hardships that WUS’ president went through to get his pay raise. 

“Grad students want better pay? I didn’t know we were actually paying them now,” Kchulz said. “I thought they were doing things for the experience and to help the WUS community. I am sure they could afford to eat if they stopped ordering that Starbucks coffee.” 

So true, President Kchulz, so true.

If graduate students are in such dire financial situations why do we not see more of them take on three or more jobs, plenty of places are hiring? Just last week I saw a help wanted sign on a graduate research lab, why has no one taken that?

Heck, they could write for their school’s newspaper! 

In completely unrelated news, Kchulz announced the “fortification” of his house against complaints and uppity students. 

“I wanted the newest episode of ‘Game of Thrones’ and thought to myself, that King Joffrey character has the right idea about ruling over a kingdom,” he said. “I need to put a moat around my house so my royal subjects know how down to earth I am.” 

Kchulz is so full of good ideas, I feel he may burst! Another moment of inspiration came when he suggested we just staple the tuition money to students and allow dining and parking to take off money as they go. 

We here at WSU have a lot to learn from our neighbors at WUS. 

Why have we not increased our tuition that much? Our upper administration could be flying across the country and building castles.  

I think medieval feudalism would look great with some Cougar spirit wrapped around it. 

What do students need that tuition money for anyway? It is not like they actually eat anything besides Tin Tan’s or drink anything besides White Claws.

Let us take a page out of WUS book and keep those prices for attendance rising! I always wanted to see what the monopoly man would look like in real life.