I love my boyfriend. He has so many great qualities, I love our life together and our sex life is awesome.

That is why, when I stumbled across this viral Reddit post, I knew we were the perfect pair to test it out.

TL;DR, this guy likes to have sex with his girlfriend to the rhythm of a particular song, and after two years of it she told him that she actually hates the song, so now their sex life is awkward.

The song is called “Cbat” by Hudson Mohawke, and it is awful.

Before reading any further, I am begging you to listen to this song. It is unhinged.

You’re still here? What are you doing?! Go listen to the song! Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

OK, you done? Sick. Insane song, right? How the fuck are you supposed to have sex to that?!

That is what Jared and I set out to discover.

We do not usually have sex to music, so we were not sure if you are meant to thrust to the beat or to the rhythm itself. In order to improve the experiment, we elected to try both; we did it once to the rhythm, once to the quarter note beat and then one last time to the eighth note (and then once like normal people, you know, as a control).

The Quarter Note

The quarter note is the basic beat of the song and is the simplest of our three trials. It is just an easy constant thrust.

And it was … fine. We do not usually like a constant beat and instead prefer some variety, so the trial already had our preferences working against it, but besides that, it was just a little slow. I could see how someone who enjoys a steady beat would appreciate it, but it just was not for us.

Plus, the song itself is so bad that it literally puts you out of the mood.

Final rating: 2/10

The Eighth Note

This was twice the speed of our previous trial, so a little better, but “Cbat” is just so fucking bad. I think we literally did it for 10 seconds then just started laughing because why were we doing this again?

For the sake of science, though, I will reiterate that it was better than the quarter note, but still … just … why?

Final rating: 2.5/10

The Cbat Rhythm

Jared and I are music people — I dance, he is a percussionist, we are both in the marching band — so we thought this would be OK; like choreography, right?

NO!

This final trial was easily the worst of the three. This song is so bad, man.

This rhythm is terrible for sex. It is somehow too fast and too slow at the same time, and never at the right time.

And I feel bad for saying it again, but this song is just so terrible. It sounds like shit. Hudson Mohawke should be arrested and I’m not exaggerating. Jared and I were almost too busy laughing at it to focus on having sex.

Final rating: 0.5/10

(I have to give it at least half a point because doing it consensually with someone you love is almost always fun, even if you have to do it to this horrible song. Love you, Jared.)

Overall, I give this song a 1/10, and I give the experience of having sex to it an average final score of 1.67/10.

If you want to have actual good sex, avoid “Cbat” at all costs. If you want to do a funny little thing with your partner, however, it might be good for that. We laughed a lot.

Seriously though, don’t have sex to this song. I cannot imagine how the girlfriend from the original Reddit post did this for two years; I have had sex to it three times at this point, and now I think if I had to do it again my vagina would literally close up so we wouldn’t have to do it.

Hudson Mohawke — please never make music again. I think it would make us all a lot happier and improve all of our sex lives immensely.