Satire: Squirrel uprising is getting out of hand

The squirrels are starting to outweigh the students



A fox squirrel on the WSU Pullman campus, Nov. 8th, 2020.


They are always in such a hurry to go somewhere until they see a human and freeze entirely. I have a feeling that they might be hiding something behind those beady little eyes of theirs.

Squirrels are all over the WSU campus, whether they are running across a pathway or digging through the trash can. No matter where you see them, they are almost always eating something.

They are popping up out of the trash or scrounging around next to buildings on campus waiting for their next meal. Nobody can see to pinpoint where they are coming from.

It is rumored that years before our time the scientist that first went to WSU ran experiments on the squirrels to see how far they can expand their minds so that we could communicate. But the experiments may have gone too far. The squirrels escaped and were never seen again. Or so we thought.

I feel like there are almost an equal amount of squirrels and people on campus, so we should be treating the squirrels more like our peers than pests. According to the theories, this would end up being seen as more favorable with the squirrels.

The conspiracy running around that WSU could stand for “Washington Squirrel University” and we just had no idea. The university could have been training these squirrels to become the next form of highly intelligent life.

In this conspiracy, the squirrels have an underground system where they are secretly taking in collegiate knowledge to allow for, first, campus domination, and next? Global domination.

You will often see them in the windows of classes and peaking over students’ shoulders while they study. One might think that the marsupials are looking for the snacks sitting by the student, but no. This is clearly the squirrels gathering intelligence and knowledge.

Just wait a few years until the university opens a new location in Pullman entirely for squirrels to go about their daily business and receive an education. There will be teeny tiny dorms, lecture halls and even an itty bitty dining hall where squirrels can fill their plates with food instead of stealing from students or resorting to digging around the trash can to get their fill for the day.

We could be at the dawn of a new era, one where animals form complex societies, and Washington State University could be the organization that is leading the charge toward this future. Imagine how much could be done if we were able to develop a rapport with animals, even the simple squirrel could teach us something about how they live and how we could support them.

As the great Jeff Goldblum said in the legendary “Jurassic Park,” “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.” This quote tells a cautionary tale, but it probably wouldn’t apply to the squirrel program, right? How dangerous could they be?

If you ever hear scratching on your window at night, this is probably the squirrels trying to steal your food, home, and life to make it their own. Be weary. Be very, very, weary.