President Joe Biden officially pardoned his son, Hunter, on Sunday of any and all potential federal charges pertaining to activities in the past 10 years.
After months of speculation, this historic move has prompted a wide-range of reactions from all angles of the political spectrum. Here are just a few examples of the voices in America on the pardon.
“What an embarrassment to this country. Biden just wants to save himself from being the first president to have a convicted felon for a son. What could possibly be worse than that?” said Connor Dole, sophomore business finance major and “proud Trump supporter.”
“Hunter Biden has been unfairly prosecuted by a corrupt kangaroo court for years now. This is only a single step in the right direction in reversing years of injustice, but the president made the bold decision to bring Hunter’s sham trial to an end, and for that, we applaud him,” the National Association of Things That Absolutely Matter in Ensuring the Stability of our Country’s Democracy.
“Woah, woah, woah, that guy’s still president?” said Mara Anderson, junior pre-med major. “Jesus, wasn’t the election, like, months ago at this point?”
“The people gave us majorities in Congress this year for a reason, we would never do such a disgraceful thing,” said a statement from the Republican National Committee. “The party of family values is proud to continue its most time-honored tradition of attacking an old man trying to help his kid stay out of jail.”
“Frankly, this disgusts me. If President Biden has any respect for this country and himself, he should immediately resign in disgrace,” said Charles Kushner, Ambassador to France nominee and guy pardoned on the way out in 2020, but it was “totally different, man.” “I’ve spoken to both Roger Stone and Steve Bannon, both upstanding citizens as you well know, and I’m happy to confirm they both agree this pardon is an atrocity of justice.”
“If anything, I’m happy about it,” said senior agriculture major Mark Andrews. “Now the Democrats have no right to complain when Trump pardons Hannibal Lector.”
“Oh man, this is really going to hurt my big comeback in 2028,” said a clearly delusional Vice President Kamala Harris.
“Uh … I don’t know but Tucker Carlson said it was bad,” said junior architecture major Greg Rogers when asked what Hunter Biden was being pardoned for after going on for ten minutes that he deserves to be “shot and to burn in Hell” for what he did. “It has something to do with Russia, right?”
“This is going to be disastrous for President Biden’s reelection campaign,” said political analyst Nate Green before being reminded the election is over.
“I’m just hoping Dad gets a few ideas from this, that’s all I’ll say for now,” said Donald Trump Jr., with a noticeable bloody nose which he refused to explain.
“We may share the same party, but we must make this absolutely clear, President Biden was dead wrong in pardoning his son,” said a statement by the newly-formed Coalition of Congressional Democrats Desperate to Get Some Name Recognition to set up for an Embarrassing 2028 Presidential Campaign by Bad-Mouthing the Outgoing President, also known as the CCDDGSNRE2028PCBMOP.
“What was I supposed to do here, folks? You want me to spend my last few years, or hell, maybe weeks, watching my only living son go to court?” said President Joe Biden. “I figured I might as well pardon him now while I can still remember his name. Also, in case he’s listening right now, your father loves you, Harry.”
“My biggest problem with it is that Joe Biden said repeatedly this year he would not pardon Hunter, and now he does?” said Claire Bridges, freshman animal science major. “It’s like, a politician who lies? What’s the world coming to?”
“This pardon was the completely wrong move and the president ought to be ashamed of himself,” said Senator Bernie Sanders, continuing his recent post-election rebranding to a smug pompous douchebag who never shuts up and is wrong all the time.
“Uh, hey, maybe we, like, shouldn’t comment on this whole thing. I mean, everybody here sees the irony in if we did, right?” said none of the spineless yes-men in Trump’s staff as he stormed into the bathroom and went into one of his nightly Twitter rants, although they were sure as hell all thinking it.
“And I thought people were upset when I pardoned Nixon,” said the ghost of former president Gerald Ford. “I’ll tell you what though, I got a hotel booked a few weeks out to welcome Joe when he joins me up here, and I got to say, the Presidents who Didn’t get Reelected Club has booger sugar like you wouldn’t believe.”
“I don’t know, not being a convicted felon is probably going to hurt my standing with at least half the country,” said Hunter Biden at a press conference announcing his 2028 presidential campaign. “You people seem to love that shit, but whatever. Thanks anyways, Dad.”
“I mean, I get why people might be unhappy about it, but there are way more important things happening in the world right now. I think most Americans are smart enough to realize this isn’t that big of a deal and will move on,” said senior communications major Eric Flynn, who seems to have forgotten about half the country knowingly voted for a rapist to be the leader of the free world because “eggs expensive” not even a month ago.
It seems complicated issues like this have no easy answer. We at the Daily Evergreen would like to congratulate our 48th president on his pardon.
