The People’s Republic of Antghanistan has put out an arrest warrant for Rebekah Rahman, Daily Evergreen life editor, for “crimes against hum-ant-ity.”
Supreme Leader Joseph Stal-ant said Rahman’s capture and trial are necessary to the survival of Antghanistan, which was founded only about two weeks ago.
“She is a certified ant-hater and she must be brought to justice. We will put her on trial for her crimes against us and she will face the iron fist of our wrath,” Stal-ant said. “Oh yeah, she also has said she’s afraid of ants. I have no idea why.”
Rahman said she has noticed being followed by ants for the past two weeks or so. She noticed the ants often try to bite her, crawl on her or pick up chairs she is sitting on and take them somewhere, presumably Antghanistan’s Supreme Court, formerly the Evergreen staff room.
“This morning I woke up with a horse head in my bed with a sign reading ‘Please die. Love, the ants,’” she said. “I don’t know what they meant by that. Do you think, maybe, the ants are mad at me? Nah, that’s crazy.”
Rahman said she does not know what she did to the ants to invoke this kind of reaction. She is afraid of ants but did not think they would take that personally.
“I used to try to avoid ants when I saw them, but recently I’ve taken to tearing off their legs slowly and then burning their remains with a magnifying glass. Then, after I kill their comrade, I tell the other ants in the room, ‘go tell the other ants what you saw,’” Rahman said. “I’m trying to strike some fear in their tiny hearts. For some unexplainable reason though, it seems killing their people has not calmed them down any.”
Not all Daily Evergreen editors stand behind Rebekah, however. Editor in Chief Gabrielle Bowman said she is currently negotiating trading Rahman for something from them.
“I’d say a human being is worth about 20 ants or so, so if we can turn Rebekah in for 30, that’s like, printing your own money basically,” Bowman said. “Plus, their supreme leader offered to buy ad space in next week’s paper if we turn her in. What 30 ants can do for a newspaper I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something.”
When asked how a group of ants can abduct a human being, as well as what they can even do to Rahman once they have her, Stal-ant said people need to stop questioning them.
“You guys have clearly never seen Tom and Jerry. There are ants picking up tables, chairs, all sorts of shit,” he said. “If a bunch of cartoon ants can do that, then just imagine what a bunch of real ants can do.”
Some people might look at this and say if this is Antghanistan’s biggest priority, their leadership clearly has a few screws loose. However, I say that sounds like someone who wants to get their ankles broken by the ants’ sledgehammer in the torture chamber, formerly the Editor in Chief’s office.
This reporter would like to personally recommend Rebekah to turn herself in, and besides, I see dollar signs just thinking about the productivity once we get those 30 ants on our side.