The Michael Jordan Retirement Tour

The year is 2046.

Michael Jordan has retired to a home for senior living in Greensboro, North Carolina.

Although he may be more than 40 years removed from playing his final game in the NBA in 2003, MJ’s years of competing are far from over.

Jordan has dominated nursing home activities in the greater Greensboro area since he moved in after selling a Charlotte Hornets franchise that won four NBA titles under his ownership.

These are the stories of the residents of these nursing homes. Welcome to The Michael Jordan Retirement Tour.

When asked about Jordan’s participation in her rejuvenated garden therapy group, Charlotte Hennison said he was a “ruthless, cold-blooded horticulturalist.” Jordan took first place in all four categories of the competition, including best sweatsuit.

Marv Barker told The Greensboro Grasshopper, the resident-run nursing home publication, that Jordan was “unstoppable and simply breathtaking” in Thanksgiving Turkey designing.

“I wish he would have DIFM did it for me,” Barker said.

Barker’s rendering of Todd the Turkey, a lifelike bird-human hybrid took last place.

MJ could not be stopped in the kitchen when it came to the design your own pie and name it contest. His “Blues-berry Delight” pie, complemented with an image of blues legend Miles Davis, was to die for. This delectable dessert had residents doing the boogie-woogie like it was the 1920s.

In bingo, Jordan looked like he was playing in the 1998 NBA Finals and the field was Karl Malone. Playing 12 cards at once like only he could, MJ simply controlled the game from start to finish. Barker feels as though Jordan might have won a little too easily.

“Listen to me, that bingo game was rigged,” Barker said. “I know a rigged bingo game when I see it and that one was rigged.”

Barker declined to comment when asked why he felt the game was rigged.

The “Paint Swatch-Palooza,” easily Jordan’s toughest event, is typically run by a motley group of residents known around the home as the “Bad Boys of Paint Swatches.” After three-consecutive defeats in the conference finals of paint swatches, Jordan was finally able to get by the so-called Bad Boys.

“I was living and breathing paint swatches there for a while,” Jordan said.

In the annual “Pretty Pinecone Party,” Jordan played through an immense amount of adversity, as he was suffering from the flu. Having since been dubbed the “Flu Pinecone Party,” Jordan put his team on his back, scoring 38 points in the competition portion just like he did in game five of the 1997 NBA Finals, otherwise known as “The Flu Game.”

When asked about the results of the pinecone party, Baker said they were “certainly rigged.”

When the quilt designing competition came around, Jordan left the quilt community simply astonished. Hennison told the Grasshopper she had “never seen so many patches on a quilt with such an array of colors used.”

Even Barker said that Jordan’s quilt “had a lot of pretty good patches” but added that the quilt designing competition was “probably rigged.”

In the final contest, the one for all the marbles (literally, that’s the prize), the “Yarn Tulip Twirl,” MJ won three-consecutive times before mysteriously retiring from play, only to return to win three more titles.

When the question of why Jordan left the competition when he was at the top of his game came up, rumblings arose around the home about gambling.

MJ has not played basketball competitively in more than four decades, but has found various competitive outlets in the way of Greensboro nursing home activities. It’s called The Michael Jordan Retirement Tour.