Why my fantasy football team is better than yours


Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton celebrates.

Fantasy football has usurped online poker, outdoor showers and reading John Grisham novels as the most popular hobby for middle-aged men in the United States.

For 17 Sundays every fall, you can reign over your Temple of Pigskin and become Pharaoh Dave in the Lazy Boy of Youth. You can taste the bratwurst, frozen tundra and Phil Collins medley and swear you are in heaven.

Our Fantasy Football teams matter so much to us nowadays, oftentimes defining who we are as individuals in this 140 character, Twitter-driven society. I’m here to tell you why my team matters more than yours.

My starting quarterback, Cam Newton, throws fireballs that singe the arm hairs of opponents. He once stiff-armed a defender so hard he traveled back in time to the third grade.

His backup, Derek Anderson, Newton’s real-life teammate and friend, is pretty good at sports and has always been very competitive. One time after a game, Newton and Anderson came home to play one-on-one basketball in the driveway after talking trash all day about who would win. Newton won the game 11-3 and on that day, the superman celebration was conceived.

Starting at running back, Arian Foster has never told a lie. Also in the backfield, Rashad Jennings made his little brother laugh so hard one time that milk came out of his nose.

At the flex position, Doug Martin once rescued a small litter of kittens from a tree and donated them to Charity (the crazy cat lady that lives on his street). Do-it-all running back Ryan Mathews vacations in Greenland where he camps with the polar bears, observes the penguins and ice fishes with Seal.

Jalen Richard, third string running back of the Pittsburgh Steelers, does not even have Jalen Richard on his fantasy team. Fozzy Whittaker is not to be confused with Fonzie from “Happy Days.” He carries the ball with Newton in the Carolina Panthers backfield.

Wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald walked into a bar on an off day to find the bartender being accosted by a tipsy patron. Fitzgerald calmly escorted the gentleman outside and returned to the bar to make sure the bartender was doing all right. When the bartender insisted on repaying him for his generosity, Fitzgerald refused the offers and said, “put it on my tab.”

Fellow wideout Devin Funchess once drank three large red bulls and stayed up for two nights straight. He wrote a 300-page memoir detailing these experiences called, “Just Realized this Logo is a Picture of Two Red Bulls.”

Speedster Jeremy Maclin is the charter member of the Harry Potter fan club in addition to being the primary passing target of Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Alex Smith.

Looking at the rest of my wide receivers, DeVante Parker can ride a unicycle while wearing a blindfold and juggling a chainsaw. Sammy Watkins, board game czar, won a five-hour game of Monopoly last Easter, beating his friend, Case EnPoint.

Moving over to tight end, Martellus Bennett once faced off against Bill Belichick in a staring contest for three hours before finally giving in. Belichick, who hasn’t blinked since college, gifted Bennett his sweatshirt sleeves as a sign of respect.

Rob Gronkowski pumped his fist so hard one day that it propelled him into outer space, where he would still be orbiting if Tom Brady hadn’t deflated his suit.

On special teams, Matt Bryant has kicked a football across the Baltic Sea. The New England Patriots defense performs as an improv team in the offseason known as Fumble Bruschi.

What was once a cottage industry has now paid for several of ESPN Fantasy Football analyst Matthew Berry’s New England cottages. Fantasy Football has exploded to become the biggest thing this country has seen since Elvis’s comeback tour.

Every person who plays Fantasy Football thinks their team is the most important thing on this side of the Snake River. After reading this testimony, I hope you have realized that my team is the most important of them all.