OPINION: Satire: Voting needs to be reworked

Ballot boxes, mail-in voting are played out; the future of voting is upon us



Voting should be fun and interactive — not old and boring. Here’s some ideas to liven things up a little.


There is plenty of controversy surrounding the upcoming election’s voting process, including voting by mail, absentee ballots and the health concerns about voting in person.

Government officials have been brainstorming new ways to vote that protect Americans’ safety while ensuring their ballots get counted correctly.

The first option is to take a picture of a filled-out ballot and post it onto social media, including plenty of hashtags.

A group of poll workers will scroll through Instagram, Facebook and Twitter on election night and tally up the votes for each candidate. However, voters have to play by the books and use the honor system and only vote one time.

However, the poll workers are only human, so if votes get counted more than one time, so be it. Those who vote must be of age, and to prove that they must post a picture of their birth certificate and social security number along with their ballot on their posts. If any of the information is omitted, their vote will be disqualified.

Another way that government officials have decided a safe way to vote is over a Zoom call. There will be tons of Zoom meetings set up over the U.S. on Nov. 3. Depending on where the voters live, they will receive a Zoom link to verbally cast their list of votes to a poll worker. Due to the massive influx of voter participation this year, there will be no “waiting room” for the Zoom call.

A limit of 500 participants will be set for each virtual meeting room, so each voter can have their votes be counted. The votes will be shared one at a time for each participant, and the meeting will be recorded for safety purposes.

If for any reason the poll worker cannot hear the voter or they are being interrupted by others, the vote will not be counted, and the voter will be removed from the Zoom meeting. Valid identification must be provided over the camera.

The third and final way that officials thought would be a safe way to vote would take a similar course to the Electoral College: a video game tournament.

Each state government will set up a Mario Kart round-robin tournament. Regardless of age, anybody can participate in this competition. The tournament will whittle down until there is a champion. The champion from each state will cast their vote for their preferred presidential candidate.

If there is a tie in the determining of a president, the game will switch to Call of Duty: Warzone. The 50 champions will take turns in a 1v1 match in the Gulag. Whoever emerges victorious will be selecting the next president.

Those are the three safe and effective ways that voting officials decided would be applicable to this election. The House of Representatives and the Senate will play rock-paper-scissors to determine which way of voting will be put into place in the 2020 election.