SATIRE: Self-care tips to become ‘that person’

If you are not exercising nine hours a day, doing your 22-step skincare routine, you are doing it wrong



Anyone can become ‘That Person,’ the person everyone wants to be, with just a few easy lifestyle changes!

ANNABELLE PEPIN, Evergreen columnist

Self-care Sunday? More like self-care every day. 

If you are not up before the sun and in bed by the time all your friends are going out, then you are doing it wrong. When your roommate gets home at 5 a.m. from a night out, you should already have been awake for two hours getting ready to start your 19-hour day.

TikTok trends have shown us the routine of “that person:” person who wakes up early, exercises for hours per day, has a ton of friends and just has their life together. 

The beauty of social media is that people can project whatever image they want others to see, including “that person.” So why not become them?

Here are a few self-care tips and tricks that will force you to become “that person.” 


Since it has been decided that waking up before the sun is the first step to becoming “that person,” taking the next step is even more essential. Sure, we all walk up the ridiculously steep hills to get to class, so to become the best version of yourself, trade that walk for a run. 

Trust me; it will not look ridiculous at all if you are wearing a winter coat and sprinting up Stadium Way to get to your next class. Everyone will be envious of you as your strides mock their laziness. 

Extreme exercise every day is a very important part of self-care. Even though you will need to get surgery for a new heart before your 40th birthday, it at least looks good on Instagram that you are in the gym for a significant part of your day. 

Skin Care 

If there are not at least twelve steps in your morning skincare routine, your skin probably looks terrible. Cleanser, toner, vitamin C serum, eye cream, moisturizer and sunscreen in the morning are the bare minimum for getting the skin of your dreams. 

In the evening, at least 11 steps are necessary. Face masks at least eight times a week are essential for getting the best skin of your life. 

First thing in the morning, after you drink two gallons of water back-to-back, you need to do every skincare step. Drugstore skincare is never a good option, even though many of the brands are highly recommended by dermatologists. 

“If you don’t spend at least two hours a day on your skin, with the most expensive products, it will never look the way you want,” said dermatologist Dr. Vera Rong.

Even though this may sound extreme, you cannot achieve your goals without some level of extremity. Taking those 11 extra steps are essential and totally not an unrealistic goal to reach. 

Just imagine how aesthetically pleasing your TikTok will look if you share your super short skincare routine with your massive audience of … 12 followers!

Alone Time 

Alone time is SO overrated. Decompressing after a long day of working on yourself is so ridiculous and unnecessary for mental health. 

Once you are done doing your daily routine, it is important to spend all of your free time with a big group of friends. 

Do not forget to post pictures of you and your friends, too – especially during a pandemic. It lets everyone know how social you are and that you have a ton of friends. 

Some call it selfish, we call it self-care. 

If you spend time alone, there is way too much room to think about important things. This is not the time to be thinking! This is the time to have fun and be “that person.”

“I used to spend a ton of my time alone, but now the only time I’m alone is if I’m showering or sleeping,” Sarah Tonan, freshman human development major, said. 

A key component of Tonan’s major is the individual development of the human race. Her major has fueled her decision never to spend time alone. Spending some time alone forces you to grow, which is not at all important for the development of people. 

Ghost Your Therapist 

Obviously, the transformation into “that person” has to happen in a single day. Otherwise, it is not effective.

Talking to your therapist about such a life-changing decision is totally unnecessary. Opening up about your decisions will take away the time you need to put into your skin and the gym.

Just make the change.

If you are investing all of your time into your self-care, there really are no problems for you to talk about. 

Bottling up your feelings is totally cute and trendy, especially if you want to work on the health of your relationships. 


In all seriousness, if you are creating unrealistic expectations for yourself in terms of relationships, exercise or even skincare, take some time to reflect. Your well-being is way more important than the way people perceive you. 

Getting out of your comfort zone is important, but not if it damages your mental health. Take care of yourself and be mindful of what makes you happy. 

(And please do not ghost your therapist).