Satire: Notaverse testimony to child safety, data abuse

Testimony, or training session on social media?



In some circumstances, neither asking the right questions nor providing the right answers will be enough.


On Nota Day this year, the world’s most influential hide-bound group met with the world’s largest monopoly in data collection agencies to discuss child safety and data abuse. Here is a transcript of their conversation.

Sen. Hutch Gonzo Questions: 

Question 1: I apologize for the inconvenience our government is presenting to an application like Stalkbook that is providing free services to customers to network and connect worldwide. However, I am curious to know how you sustain a business model being completely free?

Thank you, Sen. Gonzo, for giving me an opportunity to state the most obvious fleece model social media companies like us use to make profits out of people’s privacy! It’s simple – we sell ads. 

Question 2: So, your privacy statement mentions that customers can opt-out of ad services while using the application? Is that accurate?

Sen. Gonzo, I have visited the senate office regularly since 2018 to answer many questions on privacy concerns of our customers. We have since provided our users with every façade of improvement possible to opt-out of advertisements. 

At this moment, I can assure you that we will continue to do the same until our users are blinded by the notaverse. With notaverse, we have used advanced AI algorithms to ensure that you or our customers could never understand the metrics of data breach. 

We have documented all research on our new data breach model, which will be heavily encrypted until another whistleblower appears! 

Question 3: On that note, the algorithm that you talk about, is it physically stored somewhere for other social media platforms to use? How much money does it cost to alter them?

At this moment, our algorithms are not tangible, Senator. 

Sen. Wind Schmuck Questions:

Question 1: Does Stalkbook sell users’ data to customize ads? 

It is all about wordplay, Senator. We do not sell users’ data to advertisers. Our app places ads in users’ feeds based on who the advertiser is targeting. 

Question 2: So how many data categories do you store, does Stalkbook store, on the categories that you collect? Is our data in a storage container somewhere? 

Sen. Schmuck, due to the lack of framing your questions properly and your general lack of knowledge about data, I say we move on. However, for everyone’s peace of mind, Stalkbook does store data. 

Question 3: As we all know that the Stalkbook user size is 2.2. billion, which is larger than the population of most countries…, how much storage are we looking at? 

Sen. Schmuck, I am not sure if you know, but the population of the largest country in the world is 1.4 billion. 

Sen. Smart Alec Questions: 

Question 1: So, has Stalkbook monopolized the social media domain? What alternatives are out there? Are Twitter and Xfinity the same as what you do?

Sen. Alec, for a minute I thought you had me. You made me nervous in the first part. 

I am happy to know that I am being interviewed by a conceited group that does not understand the difference between social media and internet service providers. 

Anyways, yes, Twitter is our major competitor. My team will get back to you on the made-up statistics for this argument in 12.7 nanoseconds after I end this sentence. 

Question 2: You have acquired many major social media platforms in the last few years, including Instagram and WhatsApp. Do you share the same privacy concerns as Stalkbook? When I send my mail on WhatsApp, will that information be used to place target ads?

As I had mentioned many times in many of the reiterated questions, for one goddamn minute that you can all listen, we do not sell users’ information on any platform we own. Also, WhatsApp is a messaging service, not a mailing service. 

Question 3: Is it true that your research suggests that the content on Instagram is harming teenagers? 

I would like to take this opportunity to mention that “we have fixed it.” Our recent surveys [through a paid group of participants] suggest that seven out of 10 teenagers think Instagram content helps with their mental health. Our goal is to make it 10 out of 10, which we sure will present data for in our next hearing tomorrow morning. 

Question 4: Is it true that despite knowing that the content was harmful to teenagers, your company still made profits from the app? Please answer yes or no. 

We have fixed it.

Question 5: Is it true that Stalkbook does cross-device tracking? Please answer yes or no.

We have fixed it. 

Question 6: My aides have given me this complex technology question to read to you that I am not sure how to ask?

Don’t worry. The answer is either ‘we do not sell ads to our advertisers’ or ‘we fixed it.’

I thank you all for the opportunity to iterate the fact that Stalkbook is here to help you network and connect while keeping you and your data secure. I also want to mention that the new motto of Stalkbook through notaverse is to make sure we pay and keep the tech-savvy people like y’all in the Senate while we work on encrypting our privacy policies. 

I would also like to apologize for not being able to answer all of your questions on child safety and data abuse because there were none. 

As of today, notaverse and Stalkbook will start helping your child’s mental health. To activate this option, go to settings parental control, mental health and then unclick the box that says mental abuse. We waited for you to figure this one out!