Satire: WSU in hot water after school can’t afford bribes

Pac-12 referees declare bribery “fair and expected”



If the refs are all cheating, does that mean they are playing by the rules?

CARSON HOLLAND, Evergreen columnist

President Kirk Schulz announced with a heavy heart this weekend that WSU did not have the funds to bribe Pac-12 referees, citing lower attendance and weakening returns on Housing and Residence Life expenses. 

This announcement comes after a heartbreaking defeat handed to WSU by University of Utah. Fans were reportedly confused why the refs were wearing Utes’ jerseys, but as the game continued to its bitter conclusion, it became more clear. 

After an abysmally called game, leaked pictures quickly surfaced of Utah’s coach, Kyle Whittingham, handing the referees large green sacks with the dollar sign in comically large font. Accompanying these damning photos were images of unfulfilled glasses prescriptions. 

The Pac-12 was quick to defend its staff, though did not deny the evidence in the leaked pictures. 

Commissioner George Kliavkoff made an official statement to a booing crowd of reporters that bad calls have always been one of the pillars of the Pac-12 community and this leak would not change that. 

“People throw around terms like bribery, corruption and illegality all the time,” Kliavkoff said. “But what people don’t realize is the Pac in Pac-12 guarantees it – Payment All Currencies.” 

The Daily Evergreen was able to obtain a public records report of the offending referees’ salaries and found nearly $100,000 of Utes Dining Dollars had been deposited in their account as a charitable donation. With all that money, they might need to eat some carrots to improve their eyesight. 

Pac-12 referees have quickly skyrocketed to one of the most lucrative positions in the United States, an interesting trend as WSU has quickly become one of the most unreliable teams in the same conference. 

“The price was just getting too high,” Schulz said. “It was like I was getting shaken down for my lunch money, but this time they were all covered in pinstripes. Usually,  I am the one doing the shakedown, so you can imagine my distress.”

Opinion among the WSU student body remains mixed, an odd grouping of vindication and accusations ringing through the air. But one thing common among fans is an inability to recognize they have no idea how to actually call a football game. 

Liam McDervish, freshman mechanical engineering major, was up in arms about the terrible calls at the recent game. They indicated that without such biased refs, the Cougs would have dominated.

“The holding call we got in the first quarter was the game-decider,” McDervish said. “It was really clear who the refs were favoring all game. When they showed the replays of the players doing those things they must have doctored the footage or something.”

The players seemed to echo the responses of the fans, blaming the refs for their bad calls even before the game started. It seems that their attitude was rewarded as each and every prediction was fulfilled. If only they had predicted winning the game, we might have been able to overpower the refs. 

With all of this frustration and anger towards the Pac-12 refereeing staff, a number of fans have jumped into action with the ol’ “if you can not beat them, join them” mentality.

Dubbed the Please-God-Can-We-Just-Have-One-Good-Season-I-Mean-How-Did-We-Beat-Wisconsin-But-Lose-to-Oregon-State-Action-Squad, or P.G.C.W.J.H.O.G.S.I.M.H.D.W.B.W.B.L.T.O.S.A.S. for short, this group of students is ready to make a change. 

The student group is currently brainstorming what options they have in order to see a reversal in WSU’s bad football fortunes, and a few ideas have shown some promise so far. 

The boldest idea is to match the amount of money other Pac-12 teams have been “donating” to the referees, even starting a GoFundMe to get the ball rolling. They have a big monetary cap to hit, but those who support this solution point out that at least there will be some fair football going on after both teams cheat. 

The second group has been advocating dressing students up in the uniforms of the referees and sneaking them onto the field, making calls in favor of WSU. With the way most referees bumble around the field and their lack of actual football knowledge, this might just work. 

A tiny minority of the group has been advocating for taking responsibility for WSU’s recent losses and improving our running game to triple digits rather than a hastily scratched 42. 

Frankly, that does not sound as fun as blaming the refs. 

But you readers are likely wondering what you can do! The best thing for the average WSU student is to attend the game, where you can cuss out and boo the refs calls with the best of them.

And hey, you do not even need to know the rules! The refs sure as hell do not.