Show review: I told you ‘Velma’ would suck

Velma is worse than I could have ever imagined



The smartest member of the Mystery Gang getting the quadratic formula wrong is a joke.

PARKER R. SCHAFER, Evergreen columnist

Velma has recently come out and this show has been deemed the worst thing to grace the planet by experts like me.

The show has a 1.3-star rating on Google reviews and leaves the audience wondering, “Who is this for?”

This show has chosen the Scooby-Doo Intellectual property (IP) and drawn the fanbase to hate-watch the show. I personally could not bear to make it past the first two episodes.

The show is painfully written with more meta-commentary than the meta verse will ever have users in its collective time on the planet. Now that bar is relatively low, but trust me, it sucks.

The show starts with a dead girl in Velma’s locker after showing a bunch of nude 15-year-olds for whatever reason. This is the crux of the show. This is the mystery that they need to solve in the show. This paragraph lets you be confused about whether or not the kids or the murder is the crux of the show, and to be honest, so does the show.

Velma and the gang are in high school but not yet the gang. This sounds like a decent intro to a Mystery Gang show. However, Scooby is now a girl that Norville (Shaggy, done poorly) has a relationship. There is no rhyme or reason to remove the beloved Great Dane.

There is no reason this show needed to take the IP and use the fans this way. With everyone hate-watching the show, they have taken it as an opportunity to green-light season two. Seemingly the producers are banking on more hate-watching for more clicks and views, but I would bet this ends up being more like “Morbius.”

For those of you who do not know, “Morbius” was released in theaters and people went to watch it out of spite and “for the memes.”

The producers thought that the audience loved it because of how many people went to go watch it. This was not the case, however, because when Sony re-released the movie in theaters, the hype was gone and nobody cared to go see it.

There are many things worse about “Velma” than “Morbius.” *Wordy, remove though-mF

For starters, the characters are not just unlikeable, they are poorly written.

Velma, for example, in the original Scooby Doo, was smart, quirky, and a little socially awkward. This gave her a key role in the mystery gang. In this show, however, Velma is mean and generally malicious in a way that does not make sense for the show. She is constantly saying out-of-pocket nonsense.

For example, after Fred defends Velma against the murder accusations being thrown at her by her classmates, she decides to turn him in to the police as the murderer. Her accusation stems from, “he is a rich white guy with a small penis so he must have done it.”

This is not the way that a Velma Dinkley would have attempted to solve a murder. Velma always makes sure to remove the mask before actually convicting anyone.

There is not a single part of this storyline or the characters that make sense for any reason. The first two episodes felt like a bad fever dream I do not want to go back to. It physically pains me to watch this show.

This will take us to Fred’s character design. Fred is introduced as a douche who has a disorder where he cannot remember anyone’s name unless they are hot.

He is also kind of useless; He is racist, sexist, and basically only kept around by the showrunners so they can drop tiny penis “jokes” at every possible opportunity.

They just kind of throw it out there randomly. It is not really funny, it is just … a statement. This is all Fred is, and he is not helpful or even remotely like the Fred we know and love.

I understand giving a character development, but this is so far from the show that it would take several acts from god to be able to make him likable in this show.

This brings us to the last member of the show who actually holds any need to be talked about. Daphne. Daphne is just so annoying. She is inherently rude and vain for no reason and it is just dumb to see. She starts the show and she is standing in the locker room in just a towel. She sees two cockroaches come out of a bag and start fornicating.

Disgusted, Daphne walks over to a shower filled with a few other girls showering.

They throw out the first meta-commentary of the show saying “Have you ever noticed how pilot episodes of TV shows always have more gratuitous sex and nudity than the rest of the series?”

Please keep in mind these characters are fifteen. Calling out the bad thing being done does not make it okay to do.

Norville is probably the best character in this show. This is for the sole fact that he is the only kind human in the show and he actually tries to help people. I do not have too much on this character other than the fact that he is not like Shaggy at all.

It would be cool if Shaggy was still in the show and they just added Norville in as a new and separate character.  This is a route the writers could have taken the show to make it fun and introduce their own iteration of a Black Mystery Gang member.

Instead, they have him express his love and affection to Velma and she literally just laughs at him. It is weird and out of place.

There are a number of things to touch on and unfortunately, I do not have time, nor the leeway in vulgarity to express my hatred of this show. This show should be rated zero stars.