Satire: Text your ex this Valentine’s Day

Do it, it’s a good idea, this is your sign, Joey



Maybe you could pull a “Say anything” and stand outside with a boombox in a trench coat

LUKE INGHAM, Evergreen columnist

Timing when to text your ex-partner is something many people spend way too much time thinking about.

Many poor souls will spend weeks or even months contemplating whether to text their ex, but when is the best time for you?

Maybe you could pull a “Say anything” and stand outside with a boombox in a trench coat, or maybe write her a letter every single day for a year like the ever sexy Ryan Gosling.

You may ask yourself, “when would it be appropriate to text them” or “should I even text them at all”.

Many people will tell you that you should not reach out, that you cannot text your ex partner’s father every year on his birthday and send him a card. Some will even say that you should not have a friendly relationship with their mother. They will also tell you that you should not contact your ex on valentines day.

While you may be concerned about what day of the week you contact your ex, or even what time of the day, the obvious answer has been right in front of you this whole time. Valentine’s Day.

Isn’t Valentine’s Day when you are supposed to show appreciation towards your loved ones?

I can assure you that this will cause absolutely zero drama. After all, you are just telling them how much you appreciate them, what could be wrong with that?

Don’t be worried if you haven’t talked to them in a long time and are worried about breaking the ice. That will only make them appreciate it even more.

In fact, the longer it has been since you spoke to them, the better.

The best thing you can do is to swiftly inject yourself back into their life on the day they are at least expecting it.

The most important thing is to make as thoughtful and touching as possible, potentially throwing an old picture on the text. But rest assured, doing this is not toxic at all.

Wanting to text your ex is as almost as common as UW football fans not actually attending the university (almost). So do not be ashamed, embrace it.

Just think, you and your partner could be the next Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting re-engaged after 17 years, or the next Ross and Rachel from “Friends” … but for your sake, let’s hope that it is the former.

Either way, it will be fine, and you shouldn’t heed your friends’ advice.

Even if your friends tell you it’s a horrible idea and that they won’t help you if it goes south, just ignore them. What do they know? Have they ever texted their ex on Valentine’s Day?

There is no evidence that texting your ex on Valentine’s Day can go wrong because no one has ever done it.

Tradition would say that you should not text your ex. I am here to say, that you should reject tradition and embrace modernity by sending a seven-page essay expressing why you should get back together even though you forgot her birthday three years in a row.