SATIRE: Pullman disposal messes with student sleep

The garbage trucks are grating the gears of students lives



many have hypothesized Pullman may have recently converted some of their garbage trucks into Transformers as well


Recent changes to the Pullman trash collection cycle have left many residents both frustrated and appalled. With trucks storming through the streets as early as 3 a.m. and as late as 5 a.m., locals argue that neither they nor the truck drivers have any business being up so early.

The new adjustments have some wondering if more than just the schedules have changed; many have hypothesized Pullman may have recently converted some of their garbage trucks into tanks.

This belief primarily stems from the drastic increase in the noise they produce and a recent and mysterious cut in the WSU School of the Environment’s budget, marked as “allocated to Michael Bay things.” However, it is also possible this cut was instead to increase the pace of Johnson Hall’s demolition.

“It’s not that we need to know where that budget is going, necessarily,” professor of agroecology Earl Lemourne, said. “The university moves that stuff around all the time, it’s just that we were sort of planning on using that money to take students out to see some unique ecosystems nearby and now we can only afford to show them blurry photos of grass instead.”

“In a way,” Lemourne added, “it’s a lot like what they had us looking at in Zoom classes.”

Regardless, it is without question that the early morning trash collection times have been disturbing the sleep schedules of many Pullman residents and university students.

Professors have noticed a steep decrease in attendance only three weeks into the semester, which they have assured each other is due entirely to the garbage trucks waking up their students in the middle of the night and completely unrelated to their incomprehensible teaching.

Downtown resident Ryan Shine was especially frustrated with the early disposal times.

“I can hardly wake up in time for my classes with the truck coming by so early and being so loud,” Shine said. “This schedule has got to go; it’s completely ruined my 3 a.m. bedtime system.”

The Daily Evergreen editors have also found themselves not only waking up earlier as the truck comes by and violently bashes itself into the walls of their apartments, but also now having to travel all the way up campus before sunrise to feed the food review prisoner Carson Holland. Unfortunately, Holland is also being woken up by the truck and has been improperly trained to believe that waking up means he must begin eating and writing reviews.

Several sources throughout the town have also complained about the early disposal times disrupting their circadian rhythm but chose to remain anonymous out of fear of Pullman Disposal coming after them or their families.

One such source told the Evergreen “every morning at 4:30 a.m., they come by my house — the one on Terre View with the statue of the little poodle dressed as Elvis out front, you can’t miss it — and attempt to bash my front door in with their truck. I keep reinforcing that wall, but I only have so much of my monthly budget that I can put toward replacing the rebar. I worry I may not be able to fight back much longer.”

Unfortunately, Pullman Disposal would only provide the statement “what we do with our trucks and your money is none of your business.” This, of course, shed no light on the plight they are bringing upon the students with their new transformers.