Satire: I am turning 21

Happy Birthday to our amazing Joey, the bringer of knowledge and wisdom



The birthday boy is aging faster than he thinks he is


Well, dear readers, this week marks the start of the rest of my life. I am at the ripe old age of 21. I already know what you’re going to say. “Really? The guy who writes about 1980s music and culture is 21?” I hear you loud and clear.

I know I’m getting up there in age. Let’s be honest, 21 is a really, really old age. I have to make that involuntary sigh when I go to sit on the couch and say “ready to rock ‘n’ roll?” to my friends before we leave restaurants. I even make sure that everybody is buckled up before I drive anywhere. Even my cataracts are starting to settle in.

This is my last exciting birthday, right? 13 was my first teenage year, 16 was when I got my driver’s license, 18 was becoming an “adult” and 21 is the drinking age. What comes next?

Before I speculate on what lies in store for me in the future, I want to reflect a bit on my past. I’ve been on this big green earth for a long time and have had many experiences.

There was that tetherball game back in fifth grade, that one exam back in middle school and even that one time when I watched TV! I will tell you, dear readers, I have lived quite a long life and have a lot of formative experiences.

Now to look forward to what might be in my future. Now that I’m all grown up, I think I might retire down to Palm Springs for some well-earned tanning sessions and rounds of golf.

You see, by the time people turn 21, they have already worked their whole life! Learning to read, write and speak is a lot of effort! Why shouldn’t we turn down the retirement age to something more reasonable? Maybe 23, 24, or I will even take 25? By gum, why even work at all?!

You see, with my now advanced age of 21 whole years on this planet, I like to think that I’ve been around enough to understand how we really work as a society.

Now that I have gained pretty much all of the knowledge that has ever been put to paper, I am now seen as an elder statesman of sorts amongst my friend group. Being 21, I am pretty much all-knowing and have seen all that there is to see.

I know how the Egyptians built the pyramids (it was aliens), the last digit of “pi” (it is 5) and the status of extraterrestrial life (just ask me and I’ll tell ya). Turning 21 has really changed my perspective on a great many things, heck, I feel like an entirely different person than I was just a day ago!

I can’t wait until all of you are 21, you will really understand how different life is after you have crested year 20 of life. Let me tell you. It. Is. So. Much. Different.  

One of the more disturbing aspects of my newfound age is my sudden interest in classical music, I guess my old age has really caught up to me. I had never had any real interest in Bach, Beethoven or Mozart until 11:59 p.m. on my last day of being 20.

I have changed, dear readers. Over the course of one night to the next day, I have become a whole new man. It is a frightening change but it is one that has happened nonetheless. And I must embrace this new person with open arms as I hope you all do.

See you at Palm Springs,