SATIRE: Inevitable snowfall is approaching, smokers must take precautions

Individuals who enjoy smoking worry about upcoming chilly season



Stoners, bundle up: You can’t escape the cold front moving in, so you’ll have to toughen up to smoke outside.

MARA JOHNSON, Evergreen columnist

A cold front is brewing and heading straight for Pullman, the days are getting shorter and the nights are longer. The heat is dying down and the wind is coming in, and students are saying it’s too chilly outside to smoke.

Being cold is not fun for anyone, especially when the wind keeps blowing out your lighter, said Izzie Platt, a sophomore art history major and avid herb smoker. The fall and winter bring a tough time for anyone wanting to enjoy nature and get high at the same time. Platt said she enjoys a walk and a smoke, but can’t do that much anymore.

“I’ve lived in California before moving here,” Platt said. “I never had to worry about how cold it was outside, but now I have to change my entire routine all because of the stupid weather.”

Students are trying to find a way around this issue. They say hotboxing a car is always a viable option, but not everyone owns a car. Additionally, students can smoke in the warm comfort of their apartment, but not everyone’s landlord is up to blaze it with residents.

However, the smell that lingers and humidity in a person’s room may drive them out to the cold weather after all. Chad Wick, a senior agriculture major, said being a little toastier isn’t worth having all of your clothes smell “dank” for the next week.

“All the normies out there who are complaining it’s too cold to smoke obviously aren’t true stoners,” Wick said. “Just grab a jacket — maybe a hat — and grow a pair. I think any weather is perfect weather to go blaze it.”

There is no way for anyone to control the weather, according to the American Meteorologist Society, but some stoners think otherwise. Pat Rick, a junior political science major, said “you can make things happen” if you have an “in” with the government.

The only way to combat the weather isn’t just bundling up and toughing it out, Rick said. He said he has attempted to contact the Environmental Protection Agency and request that they increase fossil fuel use. In addition to this, Rick said he has visited local farms to suggest they get more cows in order to emit more greenhouse gases.

“No one wants to wait until the next season for it to get warmer,” he said. “At least I’m being an active member of this society and trying to make things happen for the stoner community.”

Despite Rick’s persistent efforts, he said he is being “blatantly ignored” and “denied his civil rights” because the government will not answer his calls anymore. Due to the lack of response regarding increasing the temperature of Earth, Rick is on the journey to accept the inevitable cold weather.

“As Elsa once said, ‘The cold never bothered me anyway’ and I need to try living by that,” he said. “Nothing will stop me from getting high.”

The green guardians had a common tip for those who are considering going outside to smoke: grab your joint, layer up, find a spot with a nice view and keep your back turned toward the wind. Weather shouldn’t be what holds back a fun night, Rick said.