Satire: End semester with flames, strip clubs, cooked mushrooms

Throwing dollar bills relieves pent-up stress from semester; professors burn assignments



Even your professors celebrate the end of the semester — by burning your assignments.

MARA JOHNSON, Evergreen columnist

WSU is known for being a party school, but what college isn’t? As the semester comes to a stop, students and professors all over campus are celebrating in their own ways.

After months of stress, it’s finally time to cut loose and have some fun before returning home for the holidays. Megan Elliott, a senior studying computer science, knows what extreme stress is like and looks forward to the end of every brutal semester.

Reaching winter break is similar to meeting God, Elliot said.

“Computer science is a lot of work, but one day it’ll pay off,” she said. “I try to remember that the end of the semester is like the light at the end of the tunnel, but that light is actually a strobe light at my favorite club.”

Students party to have fun and shake their worries off on the dance floor. However, some people admit the ways they treat themselves after working hard are morally questionable.

Todd Packer, a junior studying business economics, doesn’t feel bad for finding his way around his lack of funding in order to relax and have fun.

“My parents give me money every year so I can buy Christmas gifts for my younger sisters,” Packer said. “Instead, I like to reward myself for making it through classes and party hardy with both hands, so I spend my nights at a strip club.”

Packer said he usually spends all the gift money, but still manages to buy his sisters a pair of socks each.

Despite the common belief on campus, students aren’t the only people relieved to see classes come to an end. Professors and other staff plead for a break from students. Michael Scarn, an ethics professor at WSU, said it’s party time as soon as he reaches the bottom of the paper pile.

“Most professors and staff members on campus get together for a bonfire so they can burn assignments that were never collected by students,” Scarn said. “We’re not just burning students’ papers, we’re burning our stress and anger that has been building up since August.”

President Kirk Schulz usually funds the get-together, and is “a real hoot at these things,” Scarn said. Reporters reached out to Schulz for a response but were told he wasn’t able to speak.

Stress takes a toll on everyone, possibly even more so on freshmen. Buster Cherry, a freshman studying produce management, had a rough first few months because of her UCORE classes.

“I’m excited to celebrate the end of my first semester the only way I know how — I saute a fat amount of mushrooms and have a Christmas movie marathon,” Cherry said.

Cherry feels like she’s in a psychedelic winter wonderland when the colorful snowmen reach out to her from the screen, and sometimes Cherry even talks to the big man: Santa Claus.

Whether you celebrate with some beer and company or spend weeknights at a strip club, have fun and enjoy your free time. Be sure not to get caught though — this school already has enough of a reputation.