SATIRE: A guide to gains in the bedroom

Use these tips from a bro to improve your performance in the bedroom



Get ripped at the gym and your performance in the bedroom will follow suit.

ALEX BIVIANO, Evergreen columnist

We all know that power is the most important part of sex. Using any kind of finesse is for women and has zero place for men in the bedroom. Thrusting aimlessly and powerfully is what men do.

As a gains enthusiast, I sleep with lots of women, at least when my member isn’t broken due to steroid use. Based on my experience, I can tell you they love sex without foreplay and with a self-centered meathead.

To make me the orgasm machine that I am, I work out specific muscles that make me look and feel good in the bedroom. If you follow this guide, you’ll be having overconfident, low-quality sex just like me.

Hip thrusts

The first exercise that I recommend is barbell hip thrusts. Similar to sex, this involves raw power and lots of screaming. Although legs are stupid and overrated, this one will increase your sexual power and give you more to brag about to your friends afterward.

My friend Dom Mazetti said he has a foolproof way of making sex as enjoyable as possible.

“Tricep push-downs are a great way to give a gentle, yet forceful indication that you want head,” Mazetti said.

Mazetti said power is crucial when training to be better at sex. In this #MeToo era, women’s feelings are “listened to” which is some hunky dory liberal bulls-it to me.

Another great exercise that greatly improves sexual performance is the dumbbell row. Mazetti and I are real men though, so we don’t partake in ooey-gooey “proper form,” we go full force as fast and messy as possible.

The most important part about the form here is to imagine the woman’s genitals like it does not have nerve endings.

I take pride in my complete unwillingness to change myself and that has gotten me to this point in my life. That’s why old-school nutrition, exercises and attitudes make ordinary men gods at sex, at least within their heads.


To fuel sexual workout routines, I eat so much protein that my body cannot physically handle it. In order to be the sexual punisher I am, I have three scoops of whey powder with each of my eight meals per day.

This creates the ability to fart sexual pheromones that turn me on and leave her disgusted.

Ego curls

Bicep curls are far and away the most important exercise to improve sexual performance. They make absolutely no impact, but they boost your ego which is always a top priority.

Corey DiMarini, a student at the University of Washington, said that curls are what make him the best lover on the UW campus.

“The girls frickin’ love it bro, they say I’m the best they’ve ever had,” DiMarini said. “Well, they don’t, but I know that they’re thinking it when they leave before I wake up.”

DiMarini stresses that although the lower body is necessary for sex, strengthening it is a terrible idea.

“If blue-eyed baby Jesus wanted us to use our legs why would he invent bicep curls, then die for our gains?” DiMarini said.

As you can see, getting better at sex is easy if only think about your desires. Three white guys would never overstate their abilities and this guide should be read as gospel for meatheads everywhere.