SATIRE: Use literal spices to spice up the bedroom routine

Use chili, mustard, jalapenos to make your partner look like a real snack in the bedroom



Penis-shaped food? No, thanks. I’ll stick with my spicy romantic dinners.

SYDNEY BROWN, Evergreen reporter

Food can elevate the romance between you and your partner easily, especially the right kind of food. We even embed our culture with beautiful art that depict sexual situations. Think the eggplant, peach and cherry.  

The eggplant emoji perfectly encompasses the symbolic beauty of a man’s special place, much like the banana emoji. The peach emoji, on the other hand, is an artistic interpretation of the butt. The cherry emoji is … something you’ll have to figure out yourself. It’s abstract art.

Food that tastes good when eaten off your significant other is a different story.  People say syrup, strawberries, whipped cream, cherries and chocolate fondue could be sexy when the time is right. I say these foods are overrated — how sexy is whipped cream when you can sprinkle some jalapenos on your partner? It’ll really spice up the bedroom. 

Chocolate syrup is supposedly sexy, but I’m sick and tired of having to clean it up. It gets all over the bedsheets and nothing is less sexy than stains on your sheets.

“I hate when you’re just trying to get nasty,” local chef Chuck Late said, “and your sheets get covered in chocolate syrup. It’s gross, quite honestly.”

Instead, try full one-pound bars of frozen chocolate. Nothing is sexier than the struggle of wrapping your jaws around purely solid chocolate. Use napkins to really get freaky.

If you really want some sort of liquid, syrupy substance to eat off one another, one of my personal favorites is mixing together pure mayonnaise, brown spicy mustard (for those kinky folks), ketchup and relish. What turns someone on more than seeing your significant other looking like a full-on hot dog?

Cherries have a sexual identity in pop culture, though I’m not sure why. Those shiny, juicy fruits are just disgusting to watch someone else eat. Instead, bake a full pot of chili with your significant other, fill your bathtub with it and lather each other up. Nothing’s better than those slimy beans sliding down each other’s naked bodies. Definitely won’t cause a yeast infection.

When you’re on a date and you’re trying to set a mood, many say to eat a light meal if you’re expecting some extra-date activities. I say take your date for hot wings. Hot sauce in the privates can make the date both steamy and 100 percent safe for both of you. And you definitely won’t be running to the bathroom several times over the course of the meal to relieve your bowels.

Overall, the most important thing is to be clean and safe. For the love of god, don’t saturate your love-life with unnecessary, un-sexy foods like whipped cream and chocolate-covered strawberries.