Satire: Rely on substances to get through midterm season

Drunk studying yields poor results; get high and take Adderall to cram more for tests

MARA JOHNSON, Evergreen columnist

As midterms approach, students are discovering new ways to study for various exams or quizzes that might come their way.

Some students, however, don’t have midterms and sit around smoking while the rest of us suffer sleepless nights trying to pass our tests and keep our scholarships.

To the lazy bums out there coasting through midterms: respect. I wish I could do that, but my parents don’t pay for my college, so I have more riding on the line. No offense — I’m glad you all are in college no matter the reason you’re here. I’m sure you deserve it.

Since we’re all special snowflakes, not everyone studies the same way. I’m here to bring you the hottest ways to study: WSU spring 2019 edition. From sorority chicks to mathlete nerds, these are the only ways you need to study when it comes to those pesky midterms.

Drunk studying is probably a terrible way to go, but sophomore Becky Lane has mastered the art of drinking and studying. Smirnoff Ice is a nice, mellow way of starting off a hard night of midterm prep, Lane said.

“I like to start my study sessions with a few Smirnoff Ices before going to Taco Bell,” Lane said. “You gotta have energy before studying, and Taco Bell is the perfect brain food. Afterward, I usually drink some more and end up forgetting I have to study. Next step, wake up hungover and guess on most of the test.”

Like I said before, drunk studying is an awful way to prepare for a midterm — probably one of the worst ways, in fact. Lane is a great example of why it’s not a good idea to drink and expect to retain a lot of important information that your grades depend on.

For Chet Jameson, a junior at WSU, studying high is much better than studying drunk because you don’t wake up with a nasty hangover. Unlike Lane, Jameson finds comfort in smoking a bowl, or five, before finally sitting down and focusing on whatever midterm he has.

“After I smoke my dank kush, I bump fat jams and shoot some hoops,” Jameson said. “So what? I usually miss, but practice makes perfect, as my dad always says. Once basketball is over, I turn on ‘That 70s Show’ and watch it while my textbooks sit open next to me. The spirit of the textbooks feed into mine, and I always pass my tests.”

The final study tactic here on campus was given to us by Jordan Schwartz, a freshman mathlete who’s sure to have the best ways to study, especially for college students going through their second round of midterms.

“When midterms come around, I rail a few Adderall before sitting down at my desk and cracking down on my homework,” Schwartz said. “Sometimes, sitting at a desk gets boring, so I rearrange my room — bring some Feng Shui into my life. It adds for a better study environment.”

From one college student to the next, I wish the best of luck to everyone who has midterms coming up.

NON-SATIRE EDITOR’S NOTE: This is satire. The Evergreen does not endorse using drugs illegally or underage drinking. Don’t study while drunk, especially if you’re underage.