So you just celebrated the big 2-1, huh? Would you like the good news or the bad news first? Why am I asking you this rhetorical question when you know that I cannot change what I have already written based on your response?

Are you starting to wonder if this entire column is going to be like an old-school interrogation, with a heat lamp creating a wave of perspiration on your forehead? Are your knees starting to tremble in anticipation, feet shuffling like you just chugged an extra-large coffee?

The good news about you turning 21 is you are now legally of age to buy alcohol. The bad news is your life is about to spiral into a twisted hail storm of perplexity followed by your slow march to the infinite blizzard of bliss. That either sounds like a bad omen for humanity or my new favorite dessert from Dairy Queen.

If you are reading this and have recently turned 21, I would first like to congratulate you. You have traversed many years (21 to be exact) to reach this milestone moment in your life, and you should be sure to celebrate this experience.

This celebration can take many forms for different people, ranging from a wild night on the town to watching a favorite movie with a big, buttery bowl of popcorn. Whatever brings you joy as an individual, make sure to do it on the big day of your 21st birthday. This day is like the apex of the rollercoaster, meaning that despite a few barrel rolls and loopy loops, it is all going to be downhill from here.

If you are reading this and have recently turned 31, I would like for you to check in with all of us. How accurate was my portrayal of the downhill journey that takes place once an individual can legally buy a drink? Has your life really changed that much in the past decade, where in the eyes of society you have transformed from young adult to adult?

If you are reading this and have recently turned 41, I would like for you to silently fist pump. You have made it to the point in your life where you are the appropriate age to have a mid-life crisis and most people won’t even notice. How is your collection of European travel books, Dave Matthews on vinyl and model of the Great Pyramid of Giza?

If you are reading this and have recently turned 51, I would like to thank you for taking the time to do so. I know you have been super busy with your position on the city council, mainly trying to get those park benches remodeled. I hope you can still find the time to take to the golf course with your old buddies from the Elks Club.

If you are reading this and have recently turned 61, I would like to give you a metaphorical pat on the back for all that you have done for the community. You have several grandchildren now and spend the majority of your time thinking about them on your numerous walks. You take so many walks around the neighborhood; you never knew a human could set out for a walk that many times in one day.

If you are reading this and have recently turned 71, I would like to give you a fist bump. You probably wouldn’t even know how this hand gesture works and would just slap my fist with the palm of your hand. Then we would both laugh, one of those intergenerational laughs that is seeping with meaning.

So you just turned 21 and you think your life is going to turn around? You are both right and wrong; it will turn around so many times you won’t even be able to count. One thing you can count on, though, is that your 21st birthday will be your last good one.