Kirk Schulz: WSU president

• Daily walks with Cayenne on the Glenn Terrell Friendship Mall
• Host house party at President’s Residence – charge $10 a head, but suggest students pay an extra $100
• Use more emojis on Twitter

Mike Leach: WSU football head coach

• Attend anger management meetings with team
• Donate multi-million dollar salary for athletics deficit, begin career as pirate
• Recruit actual cougars for team – they will probably attack people less

Mary Gonzalez: WSU vice president of Student Affairs

• Provide complementary Nerf guns to incoming freshmen
• Put a Panda Express in every building on campus

Joan King: WSU chief university budget officer

• Install toll booths on the Glenn Terrell Friendship Mall
• Start charging professors tuition
• Time outs for over-budget departments