SATIRE: New runway distracts from government conspiracy

Public records reveal sinister plan to develop latest aircraft as part of underground tunnel to Illuminati, Denver airport



Open your eyes, sheeple, the Illuminati is real and has officially landed here at the Pullman-Moscow Regional Airport.

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen reporter

Since the Pullman-Moscow Airport reopened Thursday after a month of renovations, the improvements have seemed straightforward. The longer runway can accommodate larger aircraft and opens the door for further upgrades in the future.

However, The Daily Evergreen received public records Tuesday linking the blueprints for the Pullman-Moscow Airport to those of Denver International Airport.

“It may not seem like a big deal, but it is,” former construction worker Regan Kravitz said. “I stumbled across a secret meeting about it one day and next thing you know, I’m out of the job. I filed a lawsuit over it weeks ago, but somehow the paperwork went missing.”

Kravitz, who first notified the Evergreen, said he saw a corkboard on the wall at the meeting. A red line linked the Pullman and Denver airports on a map, and Kravitz said he might have seen blurry images of “reptoids.”

He said he overheard the participants of the meeting, many of whom he did not recognize, discussing “expanding the tunnel system.” He didn’t know what that meant, and he was removed from the premises before he could get more information.

“I did see Anita Joss in that meeting, though,” Kravitz said. “I thought she was just another construction worker, but she was wearing the same black hooded cloaks as everyone else in the room.”

Joss appeared several times in the public records. She filed the initial construction requests with the City of Pullman, followed by several denied requests. These included a network of underground tunnels, possibly the ones Kravitz overheard at the meeting.

Joss denied the Evergreen’s requests for public comment. However, Raina Isha, who claimed to be Joss’ supervisor, reached out to the Evergreen via phone call.

“I want to dispel rumors before they start,” Isha said. “There are no plans to make a tunnel system stretching all the way to Denver International Airport. The Illuminati is in no way involved, and I am certainly not a reptoid, nor any other form of lizard person.”

Isha said if a “colony of reptoids” tried to resettle in the Pacific Northwest, they would not pick the Pullman-Moscow region. It’s too isolated, she said. She suggested searching Florida for reptoids instead, saying the warmer climate and absurd happenings would hide reptoids much better.

“That is, if they existed,” she said. “Which they don’t. And even if they did, I wouldn’t be one of them.”

The records also showed a section of blueprints titled “Bunkers,” but the majority of the plans were redacted.

The Evergreen contacted the public records office for verification. Geoff Barns, who processed the blueprints, said he did not remember redacting those sections of the records.

“That doesn’t look like our office at all,” Barns said. “Someone else must have gotten ahold of these.”

The Evergreen will continue looking into this story as it develops.

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