OPINION: Satire: Dogs and cats react to the quarantine

Furry friends learn to deal with the ‘new normal’



Dogs and cats have responded very differently to the coronavirus quarantine.

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen columnist

While many have studied and acknowledged the impact of the quarantine on the economy, local business and healthcare workers, few have examined the effect the lockdown has had on our furry animal companions. Dogs and cats, man’s best friend and man’s casual roommate (respectively), have been hit just as hard by this pandemic, albeit in massively different ways.

I managed to get comments from some dogs and cats willing to speak with the paper about their experience with the quarantine using the very latest in Evergreen technology: Auto-Recorder (Feline/Canine), also known as A.R.F.

“Holy SH-T, dude, I’m having the time of my goddamned life,” said Buckley, a yellow lab living in Spokane. “Every day it’s a walk in the morning, an extra scoop of food at night, maybe we watch a little of the new Waco documentary. It’s the best, the people WILL NOT LEAVE.”

“The people WILL NOT LEAVE,” said Mr. Meowgi, a spotted tabby from Colfax. “Usually it’s ‘home in the evening, leave in the morning’ and then I have the whole house to myself. I’ll have a few lady cats over, listen to NPR, maybe graphically disembowel a mouse in a display of ritualistic murder … but I can’t do that when the people are home 24 F-CKING 7!”

Obviously, our animal companions are reacting to the crisis in different ways. Dogs, naturally more sociable animals, see this quarantine as a valuable opportunity. Cats, on the other hand, are more solitary creatures, and as such, haven’t taken kindly to the lockdown.

“To be honest, I like my owners,” said Juan-Carlos, a striped tortoiseshell from Seattle. “They’re not abject morons, and usually I can stand them for short periods of time, normally at 3 in the morning or right as they’re going out the door for work. But this is getting out of hand, I gotta say.”

Some cats have started miniature support groups for victims of “excessive socialization.” They meet for an hour every week on average and discuss how the quarantine has ruined their daily routine and way of life.

“I’m like a jungle cat, bro,” said Henry Kissin-purr, a Siamese from Portland. “I gotta, you know, do my thing, all solitary and quiet. Ninja of the nighttime, they call me,” he said, pushing a glass of water off a tabletop.

In a shockingly political turn of events, different species have apparently supported different quarantine lengths.

“I think we should extend the quarantine, honestly,” said Atticus, a dachshund from Beaverton. “Yeah, for the safety of doctors, or something. Whatever. I gotta go, I’ve got an appointment with my owner to eat salmon scraps from under the table.”

Dogs, it appears, support a lengthening of the controversial lockdown, in a move that is definitely not related to their own personal feelings on the matter.

“Look, all I’m saying is, I haven’t had this much attention since I was a puppy,” said Fitzroy, a golden retriever from Pullman. “This whole lockdown ends, and it’s back to a walk a day, tops. I’ve had a taste of the good life, man, I can’t go back. Is this what it was like to be Checkers?” he questioned, referring to Nixon’s infamous cocker spaniel.

Regardless of species, animals have learned to adapt to our new form of life. Dolphins are swimming in the Venice canals, deer are returning to forests, and I just saw a pigeon take a dump on my freshly washed Civic, right in front of my face. Nature, in all forms, is making a comeback.