OPINION: Satire: Protect our billionaires from coronavirus

Prioritize the rich; they need the most help

Celebrities%2C+as+the+smartest+and+brightest+of+our+society%2C+need+all+the+help+we+can+give+them.

LAUREN PETTIT

Celebrities, as the smartest and brightest of our society, need all the help we can give them.

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor

As Jeff Bezos crosses that holy border from billionaire to trillionaire, hundreds of thousands of Americans are out of work. As Chrissy Teigen complains about artisan cookware, laid-off workers are wondering where their next meal will come from. As Nancy Pelosi greasily shuffles hedge funds around, small businesses everywhere are closing their doors for the last time.

The class disparity inherent in American culture has never been more obvious than at this time in our history. The gap between rich and poor is growing increasingly more apparent, and voters and workers are beginning to take notice.

AND THAT’S A BAD THING!

Look, we all pay lip service to “class consciousness” and “armed revolution,” but we have to keep in mind the thing that really matters right now: the lily-soft feelings of our nation’s cultural elite, who must be protected and safeguarded at all costs. After all, coal workers and auto mechanics are a dime a dozen, but who’s going to invent the next ride-sharing app that loses a billion dollars in two months? That’s right: some lacrosse-playing Stanford trust fund kid, not a Midwestern truck driver delivering PPE and food to urban centers.

“Honestly, I feel very threatened in these uncertain times,” said Breitbart Habsburg, CEO of Hellfire Inc., a missile and drone company single-handedly responsible for turning large swaths of Afghanistan into smoking craters. “When I hear people calling for higher wages or more unionization, it has the same effect on me as someone sticking a gun in my face. Excuse me for a moment, I’m bidding against the King of Denmark for an original Rembrandt that I’m going to hang above my toilet.”

Obviously, Habsburg’s extremely valid point is in response to the populist and grassroots movements centered around groups of workers negotiating for higher wages and more protections for laborers … which, if you really think about it, is one step away from blatant, Stalin-level totalitarian socialism. I smell gulags just around the corner!

“It is frankly frightening how these movements have abridged on my safety,” said Geena Tanden-Borowitz, a New Fork Times columnist.

Tanden-Borowitz is currently sheltering in place in her $6 million brownstone outside of Manhattan. When asked how she could afford to take so much time off of work, she explained it was because of her multiple book deals: “What’s The Deal With the Poor?”, “Putting the ‘Fun’ back in Trust Funds” and her bestseller “Father’s Money: Why It’s OK to Be Entitled.”

“Look, I’m an upper-class woman living in New York,” Tanden-Borowitz said. “When I see people walking down the street protesting for higher wages, it actually sends me into panic attacks. I’ve nearly collapsed on the floor after seeing a group of underpaid Amazon employees striking to demand bathroom breaks. It’s not the type of behavior we should tolerate in a civilized society!”

We’ve heard from some of the most prevalent groups of people in need of protection: defense contractors, “war criminals” and Hillary-voters with an ingrained fear of anyone darker than, say, Kumail Nanjiani. However, we still need to hear from one of the classes in the most danger: tech bro billionaires.

“Look, I get people’s complaints,” said Felon Bust, the CEO of Hypersmash, a Silicon Valley firm focused on getting Joe Rogan to the moon to do the world’s first lunar podcast. “I really do. That’s why, as of today, Hypersmash will be creating satellite tracking tech to identify and catalog any community leader or union organizer accused of inciting public discontent.”

When asked what he would be doing with the data, Bust merely smiled impishly and held a finger to his lips, in a coy “I’ll never tell” expression.

Given Hypersmash’s cooperation with Facebook and numerous defense contractors, however, it’s safe to assume you don’t want to be on the wrong end of Bust’s Orwellian software system. How lit!

As the virus continues to spread through our old and frail, it’s important to remember the real victims: the rich and powerful. So tonight, when you’re eating a cold can of green beans for supper, spare a thought for America’s wealthy.