OPINION: Satire: Republicans need to accept election results

Trump supporters, conspiracy theorists keep refusing to believe Biden won election fairly

Around+the+country%2C+Trump+voters+continue+to+protest+the+results+of+an+election+they+claim+as+illegitimate.+

LAUREN PETTIT

Around the country, Trump voters continue to protest the results of an election they claim as illegitimate.

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen opinion editor

With the election results behind us, it seems that Joe Biden will be the head of American politics, policy and drone strikes for the next four years. With a decently sizable lead in several crucial swing states (including Pennsylvania, Nevada and Michigan), the Don Corleone of the Democratic Party snagged the election out from under the incumbent, Donald Trump.

However, in the minds of many around the country, it isn’t that simple. In fact, there’s been a building movement around the country focused on overturning the results of the election, or “stopping the steal,” in other words.

“STOP #DEMOCRATIC MADNESS VOTING MACHINES RIGGED ANTIFA ARE THE REAL NAZIS,” read a recent Facebook post from Kenny Blerningham, the administrator of the “STOP THE STEAL 2020” Facebook group. Blerningham did not respond to a request for an interview, but sent me several poorly cropped blurry photos of Chuck Norris, captioned “Chuck Norris voted for Donald Trump #WWG1WGA 2020 copyright.”

It’s almost a complete reversal of the results of 2016, where millions of disenfranchised Hillary voters took to the streets to get the girlboss in office and her husband off Epstein’s flight logs. Unfortunately, that effort failed, and it led to four years of a haggard-looking Rachel Maddow demanding “justice and professionalism” from an administration headed by an ex-reality television host. Whatever.

Now, we’re seeing throngs of angry Boomers angrily posting in all caps online and threatening to move to Parler, which I’d bet my entire college fund is a Chinese psyop devoted to stealing the Social Security numbers of hordes of retirees. The only difference here is that these ones have guns, and some actually know how to use them. At least during the Clinton protests, there was never any real imminent threat of physical harm, unless you were a TV writer or standup comedian in the sights of the Cancellers — but that’s another story!

“The Democrats think we’re morons!” said Watt Beckett, proprietor of a Des Moines Applebee’s and head of the Iowa MAGA Gun Club. “But we’ll show them! Let’s see what those libtards think about this Bushmaster .223 — OH F*CK!” In the middle of the interview, Beckett blew his foot off with a trigger misfire and had to be rushed to the emergency room.

Another side effect of the stolen election conspiracy theory is that ammo prices are skyrocketing around the country. In gun stores everywhere, sweaty QAnon guys are buying up all the ammunition, in the hopes of popping their mailman in the head for “rigging the election for Biden.” In contrast, normal gun owners have nowhere to go to get ammo for themselves: hunting, home defense, or pounding a 40 and taking targets with their ex-girlfriend’s name written on them to the range, pumping 500 rounds into them and driving home in a blind rage.

Regardless of the results of the election, there will always be a swath of the population that doesn’t like the results, but unity triumphs over division. Listen, there’s a whole angry chunk of Americans out there refusing to accept the election as legitimate, but let’s all calm down and listen to Great Sage and Preeminent Genius Alyssa Milano and get along. It’s gonna be a long four years.