Satire: Thanks, climate change for this sauna of a summer!

If you think this is the hottest summer of your life, just remember it is also the coolest summer for the rest of your life!



It is OK, the Earth is just having her hot girl summer!

TESS DURAND, Evergreen copy chief

With temperatures reaching the high 90s, I am sure you all are just as ecstatic as I am! There is legitimately nothing I love more than sitting in a pool of my own sweat.

It is bewildering to think that this is actually going to be our coolest summer going forward. Thanks, climate change!

What is truly baffling is that some people are apparently complaining about the heat, and blaming it on climate change. Firstly, I cannot fathom why anyone would not adore near 100-degree weather.

Secondly, we should be thanking climate change. Without it, we would be forced to endure comfortable temperate summers, and why would someone want that?

Perhaps they just cannot think of ways to enjoy the heat.

Luckily, I am here to help with that. Here is a list of fun things you can do in these temperatures:

  1. Sit in your car

Who does not love sitting in a parked car in the dead heat of summer? It is essentially a free sauna! If you do not feel like going all the way to the saunas at Chinook, this is a great DIY alternative.

Just make sure you do not burn yourself on your seats!

  1. Take a hike

In my opinion, the best weather for hiking is just shy of 110 degrees, humid and sunny. Unfortunately, we have not reached that temperature quite yet (fingers crossed). 

But if you go around 3 p.m. — the hottest part of the day — you can still have a splendid hike, even if it is not the optimal temperature.

[In all seriousness, please do not take your dog on any hike/walk with you in this heat, it is much too hot for them, particularly on asphalt.]

  1. Stay home

Maybe you are not much of an outdoor person; that is OK too. Staying home is a great option, especially, if you are like me, and your apartment or house lacks air conditioning. 

You can even set up some fans around your home to blow the already hot air around more!

  1. Sit outside and write a letter

Grab a lawn chair or picnic blanket and find a nice sunny spot outside to sit. Then get out a pen and paper and write a thank you letter to your favorite oil, coal or gas company. 

Now is the perfect time to thank the top greenhouse gas contributors for making this summer and future summers to come, a living hel— I mean … paradise.

I am so glad I was able to provide you all with a list of fun things to do in the heat. I know it will help change the mind of some of you global warming haters. 

Enjoy your few remaining days of summer, and stay hot Cougs!