Satire: Apartment complex offers tenants option of tent or death maze

Also offered housing at Rumpus apartments, but no one took that



New apartment complex estimated ready by 2044

CARSON HOLLAND, Evergreen columnist

Local apartment complex Nepsa Downs recently sent an email to all their tenants stating that their building would not be ready for move-in despite promises otherwise. 

While tenants are understandably angry, Nepsa Downs offered a number of different options to house the students in the interim period. Tenants could either take one free “Happy Renter Pup Tent” that can comfortably fit a seventh grader or they could be housed in neighboring apartment complex the Rumpus. 

Surprising both the school’s administration and the landlord agency at Evergreen Downs, almost every tenant chose the tent rather than risk their health and sanity at the Rumpus. A tent city is beginning to form around the uncompleted apartment complex.  

Samantha Keeten was among the tenants excited to move into Nepsa Downs and was caught off guard by the sudden change.

“The email they sent us was really strange, saying something like ‘Oh and you still have to pay us rent for the apartment complex suckers! Hahahahahahaha ha.’ I am not a lawyer but I don’t think it is very businesslike to laugh in an email,” Keeten said. 

And laughing, it seems Nepsa Downs, is. Local reporters went to the Pullman offices to find some answers but were confronted with a “Thirsty Thursday” sign on their door. Cheers and champagne bottles being uncorked could be heard inside, but there was no answer despite incessant knocking.  

Tenants almost universally rejected the additional space at the Rumpus, saying that they want to “Come out intact,” or that living there was like “Experiencing finals week on a daily basis.” 

Tommy Tents, an incoming freshman who skipped New Coug Orientation, was the only tenant who took the offer of the Rumpus.

“I didn’t even need a key,” Tents said. “The door was busted open and my landlord was using my room to store his collection of Gardner Minshew bobbleheads. The Rumpus has a raccoon problem, but it isn’t the worst. At least they pay rent.”

The City of Pullman reached out to angry tenants and decided that the best thing to do with the growing tent city would be to hold the upcoming Lentil Festival there. With tents already set up, the City of Pullman rented out the unfinished apartment complex to house some live music. 

“We found out that ‘No Place Like Home’ had not tested well with the tenants,” city officials said in a statement this Monday. “We decided to shorten it in accordance with Nepsa Downs actions to just ‘No Home.’”

After nearly one week of silence, the Daily Evergreen’s intrepid reporters were finally able to contact Evergreen Downs for comment after ramming through the door. 

“Why everyone is making such a big deal out of this is beyond me,” Arnie Swindle, Nepsa Downs complex owner, said. “Sure, a few students don’t have the housing we promised, but it isn’t like we are the only apartment complex in Pullman doing this.”

“Of course, they still have to pay rent,” Swindle said. “Just because we did not complete the building on time and have no place for these students to live doesn’t mean they can just ignore their responsibilities. Think of it as an opportunity to help fund a great cause, my trip to Seattle.”

After extensive digging into Nepsa Downs’s business background, we found two disturbing things. The first was that their business license was written entirely in crayon and the organization has known connections to University of Washington. 

Is this a plot by our western neighbors to destroy Pullman? Are the huskies plotting our school’s downfall as we speak? There could be UW agents anywhere among us, waiting to stall the construction of the next apartment complex. Who knows what is next?

Either way, both tenants of Evergreen Downs and the rest of Pullman’s Apartment Land should remain vigilant. There is no telling what kind of nefarious plans the huskies have for us. 

And at the end of the day, we need to remember the mantra Cougs help Cougs. If you are staying in a dorm room, consider adding a third roommate. I know the rooms are much too spacious and you could always use a snuggle buddy for those long autumn nights. 

Or if you have your own apartment, consider leasing off one of the bathrooms or closets. Prioritize the former tenants with fans or portable air conditioning units to really make the most out of your sacrifice. 

Either way, each Coug needs to do their own part to keep other Cougs from ending up at the Rumpus.