Satire: Incoming students have “The Talk” with President Kirk Schulz

The Birds and the Bees now have a Cougar to be worried about



President Schulz has been preparing for this class since he was a teenage boy.

CARSON HOLLAND, Evergreen columnist

Along with a confirmation of the Junior Writing Portfolio, the Office of the Registrar recently announced that all incoming freshmen for the 2023-24 school year will be required to take “Coug Sexual Education 101” with President Kirk Schulz as a graduation requirement. 

The WSU Board of Regents had expressed concern about the sexual habits and lack of education that WSU students had displayed on arriving in Pullman and sought to rectify the situation in the only way they know how –

Cringey, but with style.

“I know that the WSU community doesn’t always think that we are hip with the newest trends,” said Board of Regents member Mike Hawk. “These students need to remember that we were kids too once. That being said[metaslider id=50405] the Board came to this decision after walking through the halls of the dorms once, I don’t know if I can forget those sounds.”

At the insistence of the Board of Regents, dorm walls will receive additional padding for sound dampening. 

WSU is no stranger to graduation requirements with a number of programs over the years, usually introducing freshmen to concepts that WSU deems important. This program looks no different except for one important difference: President Kirk Schulz has agreed to teach each section. 

“I remember when my pops sat me down to talk about the birds and the bees,” Schulz said. “Granted, I never understood how a bird was supposed to have sex with a bee, but hey, that is nature for ya. I am sure that we will find out in this course somewhere, I hope.”

It was later explained to President Schulz that the course was about human sex ed and not a zoology course.  

The Daily Evergreen has been able to obtain the syllabus for this course so that our readers can be forewarned about what they are getting into. The class, despite meeting only once a week, is four credits and retains the option to move to Zoom if necessary. 

It appears as if most of the lessons are to be lecture-oriented, President Schulz will sit in his chair backward with a baseball cap turned around and begin the class by calling each individual student sport or bud depending on preference. Though not detailed exactly, most of the class entails showing zoomed-out, blurry diagrams and awkward silence. 

Required reading for the class includes “Everyone Poops,” “Why are you so Sweaty?,” and “Uh Oh You’re Horny Now.” While there is an entire semester to read these literary classics, President Schulz is also offering picture book varieties to those who have trouble reading about sexual topics. 

Reactions from students old and new have understandably been mixed. 

Benjamin Dover, freshman mechanical engineering major, said that he had already received the “Sex Talk” from his parents and that was all that he needed to get in terms of sexual education. 

“When someone loves another person they light some candles and put on some Cbat and the rest is history,” Dover said. “I have played the Sims before and whenever sex happens they blur it out, the same thing happens in real life too.” 

Senior biology major Anita Kucksman said that despite how ridiculous all of this sounded, it was a huge improvement on Washington’s current sexual education systems. 

“I remember seeing some RA’s show their residents a condom on a banana. I am reasonably sure that isn’t where it is supposed to go and knowing some freshmen, they are going to take that message to heart. Whatever is being taught in this class is an improvement.”

While opinions may be mixed on the required class, attendance records have shown that each section is filled to the brim. Whatever is on the horizon for the future of Coug Sexual Orientation 101 is certainly to have a full audience. 

The rumors that Butch T. Coug might make an appearance in the class certainly may have something to do with the popularity. Few are entirely sure what Butch’s purpose in the class will be, but it looks like the T will now stand for Teaching Sexual Education. Or The, we are not sure. 

The Office of the Registrar reportedly had to cancel a few of the sections of the course’s hands-on 3-credit lab. 

The class is required for incoming freshman and transfer students who have not satisfied a similar requirement from their origin school but is also available to any Coug who wants to sign up. Upon completion of the class students will receive a sticker with President Schulz giving the world a thumbs up with the only text on the button saying “Sex” in Comic Sans. 

If you cannot fit the class into your schedule, make sure to audit it before it fills up.