It is now official, Donald Trump will return to office after four years in the political wilderness. After a hard fought campaign, America’s first president to serve two non-consecutive terms in over 100 years will retake office on Jan. 20.
But with such a turbulent and divisive campaign over, what is the mood of the country? Let us hear from a few Americans about how they are feeling about the next four years.
“Oh, thank god, with Trump back in office, now I can finally stop being so politically correct all the time and say what I really feel,” said Andrew Gates, WSU College Republican member and newly registered member of the Klu Klux Klan.
“I don’t get it, I thought, ‘If Kamala won the Democratic primary, there’s no way she could lose the election,’” said junior biology major Sophia Woods. “She did win in the primary, right?”
“Oh, uh, geez, how did that get there? I’ll tell you what, one of my kids must have slipped that in my pocket when I left for work as a gag or something. Haha, those damn kids, right?” said Vice President-elect JD Vance when asked what he was doing with a sniper rifle across the street from Mar-a-Lago.
“I can’t wait for us to return to the good and prosperous times Trump brought us,” said Mason Wallace, senior political science major. “I’m sure I speak for everyone who lived through 2020 when I say the Trump administration was one of the best time periods for your average American in history.”
“It’s disappointing to see how few Americans thought of the women in their lives when they went out to vote,” said Bill Clinton, former president famous for his respect for women.
“The liberal media is promoting the idea that President Trump will seek to punish his political enemies and members of the press when he retakes office. I am here to say that proposal is a ridiculous notion,” said Dr. Barron von Murderkill, Trump’s Secretary of the newly created Department of Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion.
“This wouldn’t have happened if you just let me keep the nomination, I’m just saying,” said President Joe Biden. “But don’t worry folks, 2028 is just around the corner, and I’ll be back to beat Trump. Mark my words, Trump won’t serve more than one more term, or my name isn’t Moe Biden.”
“I think the media underestimated Trump’s support among minorities,” said Brian Young, Pullman member of Black Voices for Trump. “I know what I’m talking about when I say Trump’s support among African Americans is strong. I see Black Trump supporters all the time when I help canvas with ‘Black Voices for Trump.’ Well, at least I do when I have time when I’m not canvasing with ‘Jewish Voices for Hitler.’”
“I got to be honest people, this isn’t the note I was hoping to go out on,” said former President Jimmy Carter.
“I hate all these liberals getting upset at the results. It’s like, hey, the nation voted, and we won. You may not like it, but that’ democracy,” said sophomore pre-law major Hunter Wright, “I mean, speaking as a Trump supporter, when the Democrats stole the election in 2020, we could have rioted at the Capitol so many more times, but we respected democracy and only tried to publicly execute one Vice President.”
“Where to buy giant saws to cut one country off another country’s border,” said both Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Mexico President Claudia Sheinbaum’s most recent Google searches.
“I am determined to make these next four years the healthiest in this, uh, country thing’s history. We will take the evil vaccines and dump them into the, uh, Specific Ocean and replace them with, like, pot or something,” said Robert F. Kennedy Jr. at a press conference clearly tripping on illegal painkillers right after being selected as Trump’s Secretary of, as he called it, “Health and Stuff.” “We’ll start injecting people with laundry soap to make their insides clean. That sounds pretty safe, right. It’s gonna be far out, man.”
“Man, I really thought Dick Cheney’s endorsement would have given me the edge over Trump with the bloodthirsty warmonger psychopath vote, but it seems I was wrong,” said Vice President Kamala Harris.
“I don’t really know honestly, I never thought I would get this far,” said President Donald Trump upon being asked what his plan is for “literally anything” once he is president again. “I got to be honest here, I didn’t think you people would be this stupid. Like, thank you for the votes and all, but sometimes you people freak me out. I mean, the eating the dogs and cats thing, that wasn’t a dealbreaker for you?”
“It appears to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound,” said Jeffrey B. Maddrey, New York City Police Chief on the Statue of Liberty’s cause of death.
“Man, I sure do miss Joe Biden,” said every person with at least half a working brain by 2026 at the absolute latest.
After reading these quotes, we think there is only one possible conclusion you can come to, we truly have the greatest democracy in the world. Good luck President Trump and in the immortal words of the great patriot Rush Limbaugh, God bless America.
