Satire: Budget cuts to satisfy Leach

Recent cuts made to replace $2.5 M Texas Tech owes Leach

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen reporter

President Kirk Schulz recently announced sweeping budget cuts at WSU, culminating in the termination of the Performing Arts program. Overall, students wholeheartedly agreed with the decision.

“Screw the performing arts!” one student said. “Who needs it? It’s not like we’ve been trying to increase cultural diversity on campus or anything. As long as we have football, we’re doing good.”

But the decision still raised questions. Why did the Performing Arts program have to go, especially with ongoing efforts to increase diversity and cultural awareness? It seems contrary to the purpose, if not outright suspicious.

WSU Budget Spokesperson Kayla Martin confirmed the basis of these suspicions.

“There is actually a different story behind the removal of the Performing Arts program than we previously stated,” she said. “It has to do with Coach Leach.”

WSU Head Coach Mike Leach recently held a rally to get the $2.5 million he believes Texas Tech owes him. He was not paid for his final season at Tech due to accusations of player mistreatment. A near decade of time has not eased the fires in Leach’s heart. Instead, the time has only fueled his conviction.

This could not be said for almost anybody else, as the rally flopped in terms of attendance. However, this did not stop Leach, who proceeded to start something equivalent to a GoFundMe to get that evasive $2.5 million.

When asked what the budget cuts had to do with this seemingly unrelated event, Martin revealed the true reason.

“We had to get Coach Leach to stop,” she said. “This whole vendetta is super awkward. We could lose a lot of football-related income if this gets out of hand.”

Martin explained that, by cutting Performing Arts, WSU will be able to save up the $2.5 million Leach wants. The Budget Office plans to mail the check to Leach in an envelope with a Texas Tech return address, along with a forged apology note and a $25 Amazon gift card.

“We’ll probably have to cut the music program or something to get the $25 for the gift card,” Martin said.

Martin also admitted that, while the cuts are in place to stop Leach from future public stunts, she believes his cause is a worthy one.

“Coaches just don’t get paid enough,” she said. “I mean, our professors just get to lean back on a fat paycheck and tell students whatever they want. They don’t have to get any real-world results from their jobs. A coach has to actually leech success out of his team.”

Anna Young is a freshman creative writing major from Helena, Montana. She can be contacted at [email protected].