SATIRE: President commits to dynamic synergisms

Schulz talks facilities, audience concerned with synergisms

ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen reporter

WSU President Kirk Schulz looked uncomfortable as the clock edged first five, then 10 minutes past the scheduled start of the State of the University address. Though he had been heralded in by Faculty Senate Chair Judi McDonald and an upbeat live jazz combo, he now wordlessly stood center stage.

After another minute, Schulz pulled at his collar, shifted on his feet and finally approached the microphone.

“The university’s state is … Washington …” he began uncertainly before an intern ran to him from offstage and handed him a stack of notes. “Oh, thank goodness. I was looking for these.”

He stepped back and took a long drink from his Dasani water bottle, prompting one audience member to ask, “Was that it?”

Now, much more composed, Schulz welcomed the audience and thanked them for attending. He also mentioned the additional viewers watching the online streaming of the address.

“If after 20 minutes you’re bored,” he said, “you just click and turn it off.”

Immediately, viewership dropped by 77 percent. Hal Jeremiah, associate vice statistician of online interaction for the Office of the President, slowly closed his laptop at the back of the room.

“I’m supposed to be monitoring our online viewership and reporting back,” he said, “but I think I’ll just make something up.”

Schulz continued with the address. He mentioned progress on the “Drive to 25,” admitting it’s not the cool road trip he originally thought, and proceeded to topics such as health care, facility improvement and creating an inclusive community.

Every once in a while Jeremiah would crack open his laptop and take a peak, but he always shut it again after a second or two.

At the end, Schulz opened up the floor for questions. The first was from junior Tegan Lot.

“I just wanted to ask because I know people have been dying to know,” he said. “We’re still building dynamic synergisms, right? That will probably be the best thing we can do for WSU.”

Schulz confirmed that dynamic synergisms, mentioned in a Department of Foreign Languages and Cultures chair’s letter, were still pivotal to strategic collaborations between departments.

After Schulz’s answer, the audience seemed satisfied. Sighs of relief could be heard throughout the room, and there were no further questions. With applause, the address was over.

“As long as you’ve got dynamic synergisms, the university is in good hands,” Lot said outside the auditorium. “There isn’t a single budget cut that can change that.”