Satire: Best advice for Fourth of July fun

This Wednesday, America turns 242-years-old, here’s how to make most of holiday with your family



Fireworks are everyone’s favorite part of the Fourth of July, but it’s important to plan well for other festivities before the show.

EDITORIAL BOARD, The Daily Evergreen

This Fourth of July we want to give you the best tips for making your celebration the ultimate success.

Be sure to hydrate.
Ensure you are as drunk as possible. That way you can’t feel the burn of a sparkler the day after and you’ll have an edgy, American-fueled hangover.

Enhance your experience.
Smoke a lot of weed and when those colors start blending, hold on tight. Plus, you don’t have to worry about mom complaining about not eating her terrible potato salad with all the munchies that are sure to come.

Go big.
The bigger the firework, the closer you are to recreating Gandalf’s firework dragon, so take some duct tape and go to town.

Follow The Onion’s advice for failed ignitions: “To figure out the problem, examine the firework up close and watch carefully while you try reigniting it.”

Always ensure child safety.
Children must always be kept under supervision. Their somewhat older sibling or cousin should do the trick, but just in case, make sure the dog is there too.

Impress with your cooking skills.
Keep your lighter fluid by the grill for an impromptu hibachi performance that is sure to bring honor to your family.

Be fashionably late.
When going to a public display, go as last-minute as possible to ensure less wait time for the fireworks to go off. Yell at people who have dared to park in your spot to get them to move.

Aim for impact.
When shooting fireworks at each other, always aim for the face or the groin.

Practice responsible pie consumption.
The pies are not for eating. The pies are for the faces of your enemies. Throw the pies. Then eat the faces of your enemies.

Make an art student proud: get your colors right.
Remember: it’s red, white and blue. Not blue, white and red. This is America, not France. We don’t surrender. Nor do we admit to our mistakes. You get one shot.

Be explosive.
Sparkler bomb anyone?

Don’t forget fire safety.
Make sure not to block the wind from your campfire. The bigger flames from the surrounding dry grass will warm you later on when the night cools.

It’s okay to slip on your promises.
You may prepare yourself for firework epicness by watching all the failed attempts on YouTube and proclaim to all who are near that you will not be that stupid. If you then do the exact opposite of your declaration with a little help from your best friend Jack Daniels, who are we to judge? You’re on vacation.

Practice good storytelling.
Remember to tell everyone absolutely everything that happened. Don’t leave out any details. There might be some sad losers who didn’t celebrate the Fourth of July and will need a vicarious experience with which to fill the gaping hole of a holiday unattended. Fill this hole. Fill it with the detail about that one cousin that decided to shoot a rocket at his groin, or your aunt and uncle cold-shouldering each other all day which will most likely end in divorce. Or talk about your cat. They will thank you for it.