Hear ye, hear ye! Sound the horns of war and come unto me. I call out to all the booze hounds, drunkards and socialites among you. To all the deviants and shot gunners, gentleman drinkers and mimosa-slamming princesses. Shot takers, wine sippers, beer guzzling masses, you are the army I seek in the mighty land of Pullman and I am your lizard king, ready to lead you headlong into the fray that is a new year.

To all you beautiful bastards out there ready to tip a few pints, the time is nigh. Booze News has returned and with it the drunken traveler.

It’s time to throw on your pants and dive into the revelry that is the backbone of every brand of amusement. It is time for me to raise my glass to all of you drinkers and toast to another year here at WSU.

I am the official — and professional, I might add — king of booze and all things fermented here in Pullman and it is my most sincere pleasure to be among such fine and admirable Cougs, both old and new.

It is my duty to tell you where to drink, who to drink from, what to drink and even give praise to some of the most championed and respected drink slingers among you.

I shall not lead you astray, for listen to me, I cannot do it without you. Here in these pages you will find tales of the most dedicated and elite bartenders and alcoholic specialists in our quaint slice of the Palouse. That being said, you have plenty to choose from and there is something for everyone.

Football is just around the corner and that means tailgating and sports bars. While I encourage all to get to your spirited asses to Martin Stadium and scream us through another winning season, don’t overlook My Office Bar & Grill downtown or Stubblefields on Greek Row. Go early and grab yourselves a seat and a pint or six.

Blow off some steam with your chums in Moscow at the Garden Lounge with its menu of hundreds of drinks, and grab some “Death-by-Garlic Mac n Cheese” from The Grub Truck that parks in front of the aforementioned lounge Wednesday through Saturday nights.

Head to Rico’s Pub in downtown Pullman for fish and chips and a glass of ale. Want more beer variety? Head to Tapped in Moscow for a rotating tap of beers and ciders. Your possibilities are almost endless.

Don’t feel like going out? No worries, for I can help with that too. Grab three or four or 58 of your closest friends and throw a party. Let me know and I’ll raise a glass with you. I’ll be giving cocktail suggestions, wine pairings and themed drink recipes, both fancy and primitive, all year long.

I’ll feature interviews with talent both professional and amateur for your benefit and amusement. Think you’re onto something with that new concoction you created Friday night? Get ahold of me and let me try it and you, yes you, could be written in the pages of booze history for all to see.

You are the strong and the savvy. The wicked and weird. The mischievous and the honorable. You are Cougs. Heed my words, but know that I cannot celebrate without you all here — so please, know when to ask for the check. It’s always better to live to drink another day. As always, be safe my friends and bottoms up.