SATIRE: Halloween obituaries from the weekend


ANNA YOUNG, Evergreen reporter

SKYLYR JONES, 19, entered the Great Skatepark in the Sky on Oct. 31, 2019. Skylyr was born April 20, 2000, to parents Brock and Ashton Jones. An only child, Skylyr spent much of her time with her parents learning to skate and smoke like a pro.

“She could always rip the fattest clouds,” Ashton said. “It could be cigarettes, Juuls or like, vapes, dude. She really took after her father like that.”

Skylyr passed on after trying to reach Mach 1 while freestyle Heelying down the sidewalk by Thompson Flats. She will be greatly missed.

KIELY MARCHANT, 22, found sweet eternal rest early the morning of Oct. 30. She is survived by her parents and two sisters.

Kiely was a 4.0 engineering student with sights set on working with Boeing. Robert Halverton, her best friend at WSU, said she was the most studious person he’d ever met.

“Why are you asking me about her pastimes?” he said. “She was a senior in engineering. She didn’t have pastimes. I don’t think I ever saw her outside her apartment except when she was in class.”

Kiely died of apparent sleep deprivation while studying for finals two months in advance. There will be no funeral as, according to Halverton, she wanted everyone to “just let me have some f-cking peace if this degree kills me.”

EDWIN STROUD, 89, found his final resting place at last on Oct. 28. Edwin was the last surviving member of his family line.

He started attending WSU in 1948, according to that year’s Chinook yearbook in the WSU Libraries archive. His absence from the following years indicated Edwin may have dropped out or transferred.

Investigators began looking into his case after he was found dead of apparent natural causes in a 1942 Chevrolet Master Deluxe, which was still rolling on a back road near Animal Sciences Road.

“Based on the wear on the tires and Mr. Stroud’s position in the driver’s seat — hands clenched over the steering wheel, stiff neck, grimace — it appears he died searching for parking on campus,” Lead Detective Margot Vasquez said. “It’s possible he started searching in 1948 or ’49 and, unfortunately, never did find a spot before his death.”

XANDER GALANIS, 20, bought tickets to an overhead view of Martin Stadium on Oct. 31, 2019. 

Xander was a die-hard Cougar fan who attended every home game until his untimely passing. His will, written in 2017 after he went to his first game, dictated that his remains be cremated and his ashes shot out of one of the cannons at the end of the soonest home game following his death.

His “best bro” Jerry Grieber, who will wave the Coug flag over the cannon containing Xander’s ashes, witnessed the shocking death firsthand.

“His last words were, ‘WSU has the best football team in the Pac-12,’” Grieber said. “He dropped dead instantly afterward.”

The coroner on the scene said the sudden cessation of brain activity was unlike anything she’d ever seen.