SATIRE: The dead walk

Don't worry about the zombies ... I mean Coronavirus patients. They don't bite too much

COVID-19+totally+isn%27t+the+start+of+the+zombie+apocalypse+we+hope+...

NATALIE BLAKE | DAILY EVERGREEN ILLUSTRATION

COVID-19 totally isn't the start of the zombie apocalypse we hope ...

JACOB HERSH, Evergreen columnist

Does the recent coronavirus outbreak have anything to do with the mysterious surge of violent crimes in the Whitman County area that some claim is the result of a “zombie infection”?

No, is the resounding answer from the state’s health officials.

“There’s no such thing as a zombie outbreak,” said Pullman Health Official Shaun Romero, “and even if there were – WHICH THERE’S NOT – the coronavirus would have nothing to do with it.”

This platitude from the city hasn’t done much to reassure residents, however, and many citizens of the Pullman area, especially WSU students, remain concerned about the possible unknown side effects of the COVID-19 strain.

“Yeah, I’m not convinced,” said local conspiracy theorist Tallahassee Boyle. “If you read the real research — 77 secret web pages on the /x/ section of 4chan — you’ll understand the truth. The sheeple have to wake up!”

Boyle went on to explain his theory, which is essentially that the Chinese government, in conjunction with American CIA operatives, developed the coronavirus in an attempt to gain global control of resource supplies.

“The virus escaped the lab dude,” Boyle said. “Life finds a way.”

Recent spikes in the Washington violent crime rate have occurred almost simultaneously with known instances of the coronavirus, and perpetrators are often not found at the scene of the crime, leaving police puzzled at the brutality of the act, and the lack of any known assailant.

“I’ve been on the force for 27 years, and I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Pullman Police Chief Columbus Jarmusch. “We got called to some disturbance over on Greek Row, turns out some fella got his face and half of an arm chewed off by what some sorority girl described as ‘Mick Jagger without makeup’. Didn’t make sense to me either.”

With so much about the recent global outbreak of the coronavirus unknown, it’s possible that Boyle’s theory is correct: a government altered viral strain infected the human population, and previously unknown characteristics of the virus caused zombie-like tendencies to emerge.

“Now, you’ve got two main sub-categories of the, ahem, common undead creature, if you will,” said Lionel Wright, a freshman majoring in software engineering, and general nerd. “You have the classic walkers, which are slow and lumbering, and you have the more modern runners, which are quite terrifying if I do say so myself.”

If one comes face to face with a member of the zombie horde, which may or may not exist, Wright advises that one decapitates the creature in question, which is the only way to dispatch the undead with relative ease.

“This is ridiculous,” Romero said, “there are no zombies, and for you to even suggest that there are is purely ludicrous and indicative of how far student journalism has gone down the proverbial tubes!”

The interview was cut short when Romero stormed out of the room. Incidentally, he was carrying a very large chainsaw on a stick, and wearing armor it appeared he’d welded out of car parts, which I can only assume was unrelated to the topic at hand. 

To dig deeper, I spoke to Director Jim Jackson of the federal health task force “Department of Unknown Maladies: Building a Safer Society.”

“Our job is to protect and serve people in the Washington area who might be affected by the coronavirus,” Jackson said. “We use whatever means necessary to decapit — I mean, care for and heal those afflicted, and ensure their safe and healthy return back into society.”

When questioned about the possibility of a zombie outbreak, Jackson said he could “neither confirm nor deny” the likelihood of undead symptoms as a result of the virus.

“Listen, kid,” Jackson said. “If you keep asking questions, we might have to put you in ‘quarantine’ and lord knows how long you’d be there. In fact, we might have to do some ‘experimental treatments’ to make sure you’re all cured. Did you see the quote marks I was doing with my fingers? I was threatening you.”

Jackson’s ominous comments aside, it’s obvious there’s more to the story that the government isn’t telling us. For now, I’d advise that everyone washes their hands and makes sure to stay healthy — but I’m also not not advising you to sharpen a machete, saw off a shotgun, and prepare for an outbreak of the walking dead (all rights reserved.)

Jacob Hersh is a political science major from Anchorage, Alaska. He can be contacted at 335-1140 or at [email protected] The views expressed in this column do not necessarily represent the views of The Daily Evergreen, its editors or publishers.