Whether out of sheer boredom or a genuine interest in being a well-informed citizen, I found myself flipping through various news sites. I was unsurprised to find the M&M company being talked about after hearing rumors of allegations on the usage of child slavery on cocoa farms. 

I was, however, surprised to see clips of Tucker Carlson from Fox News talking about M&Ms, a newscaster known for his … stability and rationale? Yet Carlson neatly dodged the media bias towards child slavery in the chocolate industry and focused on the real issue at hand … 

M&M is desexualizing the green M&M.

This redesign of the green M&M, among changes for the other colors, righteously set Carlson ablaze with anger. How dare the biased media seek to cover cases of child exploitation when the real matter is staring at us right in the face!

“M&Ms will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing,” Carlson said. “Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them, that’s the goal.”

I, for one, am glad that Carlson is focusing the lens of reporting on the hard-hitting issues that are plaguing our country. American media needs to wake up and start covering the stories that matter to the average citizen.

To put everything going on into context, Mars Wrigley Confectionery, part of the chocolate conglomerate in charge of the production of M&Ms, started the redesign to give the characters a more “modern” look. 

For instance, the green M&M is replacing her boots with sneakers, and the brown M&M has changed into block heels. The orange M&M, who is characterized by his anxious personality, now embraces his anxiety like a college student before their midterms. 

The orange M&M is “one of the most relatable characters to Gen-Z,” according to Mars. 

The candy company also commented on this redesign, saying they wanted “more nuanced personalities to underscore the importance of self-expression and power of community through storytelling.” 

Frankly, as an avid consumer of the peanut-flavored M&Ms, this statement left me in the dark. Thankfully, Carlson continues to wade through the weed that big business is attempting to put up.

“When you are totally turned off, we have achieved equity. They’ve won,” Carlson said. 

Carlson is a newscaster ahead of his time, laying out the blueprint for equity for us humble viewers. Who knew that all we needed to achieve true equity was the desexualization of cartoon characters? 

All that talk in Congress of social and justice reform can be skipped! Saves on a lot of time and arguing, too. 

Yet this humble columnist offers a word of caution. 

I know that the allures of equity and sweet M&M chocolate are tempting, but we must stand fast on certain issues, lest they spread like a domino effect. 

The redesign of the M&Ms may have been an isolated event, or it may have been part of a plot to desexualize all mascots. Our very own Butch T. Cougar could be in danger of a redesign if we do not stand up against such a movement. 

These days you can see Mr. Cougar strolling around athletic events in a scandalous outfit, including a WSU jersey, some variation of athletic pants or shorts and sneakers. Butch’s attire may change depending on the event he is attending, but regardless it is the perfect combination of beauty and grace. 

Yet they are not satisfied with Butch’s current design, and riding off the coattails of the recent M&M redesign, I fear that our beloved cougar is next in their sights. This fear was confirmed by comments from neighboring Washington University State’s president, Sirk Kchulz. 

“Frankly, I feel WSU’s mascot is showing off a bit too much skin,” said Kchulz. “Think of the poor students who are forced to observe such a gratuitous display every time they just want to watch some sports.”

WUS has already redesigned their mascot to match the recent trend that M&Ms have set, Kchulz said This redesign includes removing the sneakers their mascot was wearing for some conservative Crocs, followed up by a flight suit to cover any skin. 

Students at WUS have voiced their anger at this redesign through slogans like “Better Quarantine Housing on Campus” or “Fix the Dorm Wi-Fi,” confusing both the president and onlookers.

One rallying call against the redesign took the form of a bright sign boldly stating, “Why are we being charged so much for parking?” While I would not support the unorthodox methods these students are using, I would wholeheartedly agree that these designs have gone too far. 

Thanks to brave reporters like Carlson, this issue should be on the mind of every American. Forget the impending possibility of war in Ukraine, forget the allegations of child slavery levied against M&M. These issues simply are not important enough for your attention. 

First, they redesign the M&Ms. Next? The world.