Satire: Summer 2024 Olympic Committee announces weed is mandatory

Athletes, audience alike scheduled to get as high as Eiffel Tower



Trust me, first place is much higher than second

CARSON HOLLAND, Evergreen columnist

In honor of 4/20, the International Olympic Committee recently announced that the 2024 Paris Olympics will require all attendees to, in their words, “get higher than a college kids’ stress level going into finals.”

Many new pundits and longtime observers of the IOC were confused by the sudden change of policy, the committee having a long history of sometimes being serious about athletes using drugs. In response to the IOC’s announcement, many national drug regulation agencies took cannabis off of their prohibited drug list. 

“One of the interns triple-dog-dared us to try it for ourselves,” Dr. Merry Jane, chairman of the IOC, said in a public statement Sunday. “Not wanting to be made fun of by a college student from D.C., we brought some in and the rest was history.” 

And history it truly is – this will be the first Olympics where recreational drugs are not only openly used, but mandatory. This change has led some to question whether or not Parisian officials will be providing, or if people will have to bring their own. 

“The Olympics are all about nations coming together,” Jane said. “I don’t think I have seen people come together more than sitting around in a circle and passing the blunt around.” 

While Jane may be optimistic about the policy, political analysts worry that certain countries’ rivalries will come out during the opening ceremony. Some countries’ leaders have already speculated that some will hold onto the blunt for more puffs than others. 

Unsurprisingly, Swiss leaders have remained neutral amongst the growing tensions, which, like their flag, is a big plus.  

Support for the change in Olympic policy is widespread, though I tend to side more with the entertainment value associated with it than anything else. These athletes can quite literally run laps around me – when they enjoy the ride, it helps everyone. 

That being said, I do approve of the increase in medical staff just in case of mishaps. Doing hurdles while baked may be a recipe for disaster if not properly attended to. Maybe give each of the athletes body pads to wear!

Certainly, the French food and service industry has been very vocal with their support, cheering the decision as a way to bolster their sales.

On a completely unrelated note, the number of Taco Bells and food trucks have nearly tripled around the Parisian metropolitan area since the announcement. I, for one, am glad that the Grub Truck may plan on opening a second location to accommodate the business. 

While I applaud this change in policy for the summer Olympics, I do warn them to limit the new policy to summer. Beach volleyball and edibles have a much different connotation than bobsled or the biathlon. 

Still, I have to hand it to the IOC – they have really thought of everything for the 2024 Olympics. The historic Olympic flame is going to be loaded to the brim with incense sticks, giving off the smell and vibe of a residence hall resident desperately trying to hide the smell from their RA. 

The IOC has also recently opened up its website for comments and suggestions for new and exciting variations of the Olympics that they could hold, and a video explaining the process to comment. 

Taking their example and running with it, I believe the next Olympics should be a two-parter. The first set of events are done by people randomly selected from their country, then followed by the Olympic athletes. 

It will be a good reminder for all of us how impressive these feats are rather than having people yelling at their TV when their favorite athlete gets a silver. 

Those who compete in the finals from both heats then compete – imagine, Olympic level athletes against Conner who sits next to you in your Todd Aud lecture! Maybe that will teach him to return that pencil he borrowed from you at the beginning of the semester. 

Regardless of what the IOC decides, I believe their most recent announcement should hammer one thing firmly into our minds. 

“Weed” would get outcompeted by every Olympic athlete whether they were high or not, so grab some salty snacks and enjoy.