Satire: WSU Football to recruit fans to start Saturday

Vandals will not know what hit them when 100 players are on the field



WSU head coach Jake Dickert speaks to his players after the 2022 Spring Game, April 23, at Martin Stadium.

CARSON HOLLAND, Evergreen columnist

Head coach of the WSU Football team, Jack Dickert, issued a press release that they would begin recruiting fans to play in their Saturday matchup against the University of Idaho. 

“We were surprised that the Vandals even had a college-level football team, we thought they were a practice squad,” Dickert said. “I don’t want our starters to get injured playing a bunch of high schoolers, so to the fans we go.”

This unprecedented move already has fans lining up to join the Cougs on the field, eager to throw down with the Vandals. Dickert hopes that his bold new strategy will see the first victory for the Cougs in the 2022 season. 

“I found my inspiration when viewing some fans rushing the field. Sure, one or two is stopped by the stadium security, but they didn’t get them all,” Dickert said. “I doubt even the University of Alabama could match three hundred slightly drunk fans bearing down on them.”

In solidarity with Cougs Helping Cougs, some of the football players will even be sharing their gear with the fans. One gets a shoulder pad, another might get a knee brace and some will have to share the injury tent that seems to appear out of nowhere from the sideline.

“I have been in talks with Troy Bennefield and Sarah and A.J. Miller about getting the band involved,” Dickert said. “I know that it is ‘against the rules,’ but I think I can swing letting the band use their instruments to hit the other team with.”

Band kids have been seen around campus attaching spikes and bats to their instruments. Reportedly, students heard them whispering that they finally get a chance to ‘get their payback’ at football players for once. I am sure that only good things can come from this. 

This diversion of the fans to the field has allowed the football team to pursue unique practices and activities around campus. A whole group of them was spotted going into one of the dining halls for the first time.

Fifth-string alternate punter Jon Football was very confused at seeing actual students use the dining hall. 

“Where are all the wait staff and steaks? We usually have an all-you-can-eat buffet, but they told us six plates was the limit,” he said. “Don’t they know who we are? I thought dining halls were a myth, like any of the dorms besides Northside and Global Scholars.” 

Some players were even spotted going to their History 105 classes for the first time.

In the interim, the WSU football team has begun practicing a number of trick plays to throw off their future opponents. While Dickert was not willing to share exact details, he was willing to talk big picture. 

“So we are going to go against the grain on this one I think,” he said, looking like a kid who just got candy for Christmas. “Instead of the usual game plan, we are going to start scoring in the first quarter and … get this, keep scoring throughout the game. This will really throw off our opponents!”

While Dickert did like previous QBs’ strategies of throwing the ball directly to the other team right when we needed the points, he decided to train our QBs differently this year. (I personally loved the Cougs Helping Our Opponents mentality the team had and I hope we do not abandon it completely.)

Other WSU sports teams have gotten on board with Dickert’s controversial move by pushing their own fans to join up with their teams. The WSU Soccer Coach Todd Shulenberger was the most ecstatic about this move. 

“Okay, picture this,” he said at a press conference on Friday. “We pack the goal with fans. I mean completely fill it like sardines. I don’t want them to be able to move in there. We have so many people, how are the Huskies supposed to score if they can’t?”

WSU’s administration has offered any fan who joins up on one of the teams a $3 dollar tuition discount along with a clear drawstring bag that they can take to games. In unrelated news, we also got indications that the Board of Regents is planning an unrelated $4 tuition increase mid-year. 

I love this idea. most of these sports are “team sports,” but so rarely does the so-called 13th fan get involved directly in the game. I think we could take it a step further and have professors who want tenure or want to maintain their tenure put on the gear. 

I do not think that your organic chemistry teacher will ignore that syllabus as much if they knew that they had to face off against a middle linebacker on Saturdays. The potential for better teacher-student relationships is huge. 

At the end of the day, though if the football team continues the tradition of “Couging it Up,” then changing the fans out for the players will not make much of a difference.