Satire: Maybe next year, Sportsfan

The year is 3520, and there is still hope



Ignore the tears, there is always next year.

CARSON HOLLAND, Evergreen columnist

Maybe next year. Maybe next year. Next year maybe. Year maybe next. Year next maybe. 

Like every year, the disappointment is crippling. The 3520 playoffs have been a wild ride, the first since the 2022 appearance from the Mariners. The last minute decision to put in cyborg Robbie Ray was a baffling one, especially after having given up the most homeruns in a game and that largely contributed to our ending loss to the Astros. 

Washington state sports fans have not been given a moment of grief either, with our Coug football team losing out big against one-sided rival Oregon State. The Beavers broke a near 1,498 losing streak against the Cougs in a game that has left fans scratching their heads. 

Head coach Jake Dickert IV was quick to point out the moral victory of how well the players performed, a sentiment seemingly echoed by the coach of the Mariners. But as Washington sports fans get ready for yet another season of curling up on the kitchen floor and moaning in pain we are left wondering …

Maybe next year?

Is it too much to ask that just once I can stand proudly as a Washingtonian, cheering on the wins and success of my favorite sports team? Or are we cursed to push that rock up the hill only to let it fall once more?

I was able to catch up with Cougs who were quick to share their frustration about yet another string of losses from their teams. 

Jeremy Crume, senior time travel engineering major, continues to be an avid Mariners and Cougs fan, but after playing years of Madden Football in the XBOX21, he does not get what the big deal is.

“I just don’t think our players get what they are supposed to be doing out there,” Crume said. “In football you are supposed to not throw interceptions, and in baseball the other team shouldn’t be hitting home runs every other pitch.”

Along with getting his major in time travel engineering, Crume is also minoring in yelling at the TV in his living room whenever the Cougs are playing.

“I could do a much better job than any of these posers. Who needs the months of grueling training and practice when you have Cougar Calves like mine? Put me in, coach.”

Fans’ frustrations with the football team are increasingly valid; it does feel difficult to root for a team that seems to think scoring works similar to golf. 

To make matters worse for Coug fans, the Transportation Department has announced that all parking within 100 miles of the city will be taken up for the upcoming Thursday game by RVs and all students need to move immediately. 

At the very least, they did apologize for their inconvenience, but I could not tell if that was to the fans or to the RVs at this point. 

Still, it only compounds frustrations with a team whose best postseason prospects are going to a bowl named after a potato chip. It is getting difficult to get excited for the Lay’s Cheddar Bacon Mac and Cheese Bowl against Grand Canyon University, but I think we can pull out the win. 

The Mariners are no different, disappointment seemingly baked into their franchise.

While I have had a running theory that the Seattle Mariners are just a social experiment to see how much misery a baseball team can subject a fanbase to, the team is not doing anything to prove me wrong. 

If I have to listen to an LA Dodgers fan whine about how long it has been since they have been to the playoffs, I am going to blow a gasket. How can our team do just well enough to give us hope, just to steal it away in the 18th inning?

But I digress.

You and I both know that we are going to be cheering on our favorite Washington sports team when next season comes around, wearing the jerseys and enjoying a nice tailgate. 

No one knows better than us that enjoying sports is not about winning (unless we are all secretly masochists and are scared to tell each other). Sports is about screaming at the refs with our limited understanding of the rules and slipping grip on humanity.

No matter how much the Mariners, Seahawks, Cougars, Kraken … god how can they all be this bad … No matter how much they own me in backpaided therapy, I will always be a loyal fan.

And hey, there is always next year.