Satire: Students Declare Winter Break Much too Long

Eager to Start Classes Again, Professors Take the Groans as a Yes



Coming back from winter break is great but should it not just be longer?

CARSON HOLLAND, Evergreen columnist

A petition has circulated on WSU’s Pullman campus to demand that the administration decrease the length of Winter Break by two weeks. 

Carly Dubbs, a senior in microbiology, was adamant that while the break was only a few weeks it felt like she had been gone for years. Despite classes on the horizon, she was glad to be back in Pullman.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays” Dubbs said. “But I can only take so many comments about me ‘finally getting up’ from my parents. I was up at eight. EIGHT!”

Other students who signed the petition echoed similar things, saying that their parents were wildly unreasonable and expecting too much from them. Many cited the change in rules and expectations between the independence of college and the tight restrictions of home. 

“My mom didn’t even want to play rage cage with me,” Dubbs said. “She just kept screaming that I couldn’t drink at eight in the morning. Where is the Coug Spirit Mom?”

While some travel plans were threatened by increment travel delays, many students voiced their excitement to get back in the swing of classes. 

Larry Gardez, junior computer science, was ready to stop relaxing and start skipping his Tuesday morning lectures. 

“My advisor had me sign up for classes that weren’t even in my major,” Gardez said. “It added like three extra years to my time here, even though she told me it was the fastest route possible. Why would I need to take a 300-level econ course? Either way, if my professor sees me before the final I am making a mistake.”

Students are ecstatic to repeat the same Wattpad stories with their classroom crush more than anything else. Nothing beats a full semester of staring at the side of someone’s head and hoping the professor assigns you two to groups together. 

“They really need to turn down the heat in Todd Aud,” Gardez said. “I come in there with enough coats to march through the Artic and come out sweating like someone who hasn’t paid a single parking ticket. Either way, I am glad to be back.”

Other students are not so much excited to be back, rather they are glad to be away from their hometowns. 

Shaley Crass, a freshman communications major, said that her hometown experience made her miss Pullman all the more. 

“I have been watching tons of Hallmark movies in preparation for going home the first time,” Crass said. “The movies promised that I was supposed to meet my old high school sweetheart who owned a gingerbread factory and taught me the true meaning of the holidays. I think I was supposed to have an office job in it though.”

It is not uncommon for many students to experience disappointment upon leaving Pullman, a clear sign that the rumors of city council slipping chemicals in the water are at least somewhat true.

“No Hallmark ending, just a lot of old high school friends who never left,” Crass said. “Half of my friends are married, some of them already have houses and jobs and one has a child?? We have been out of high school for like six months, how did all of this happen?”

Some even try to cope with this strange feeling of missing Pullman by visiting the next best thing, their high school. The teachers and underclassmen must have missed you, it would be a missed opportunity if you didn’t visit and interrupt class.

Whatever your holiday experience was, good or bad, many students have flocked to dorms and apartments in anticipation. Well, no one has moved into Aspen Heights but even the power of New Year’s Resolutions could not change that. 

Returning to class this semester means returning to a state of normality. 

Enjoying the varied, delicious and well-made options at the dining hall? Check. 

Ignoring all of those options to get chicken strips or pizza for the ninth meal in a row? Running out of RDA on the first month and only surviving off free food from events? Check. 

Trying to look put together and dress nicely for class? Check. 

Investing in three more pairs of sweatpants and only wearing baggy sweatshirts? Check. 

New Years Resolution to stop making too many lists? Che…

Either way, allow me to be the first to welcome the students back to Pullman and back to college. There is a brave new semester ahead of us and hey, fall semester is right around the corner.