SATIRE: New Year New Me?

Caution to setting unattainable goals, toxic standards for “self-care”



If Kendall Jenner can do it every day, then so can I.

ANNABELLE PEPIN, Evergreen columnist

This year, I am a new version of myself. Last year was only a week ago and I am leaving every bad habit in 2022.

I recently read the book Atomic Habits by James Clear. He said that it takes 21 days to form a habit, but he must not know that your indiscretions do not roll over into the new year.

A new year means there is room for a completely new you!

As the new version of myself, I have no bad habits. My new year’s resolutions revolve around living the healthy lifestyle I see on my Instagram feed…but for all 365 days of 2023.

Even though I physically cannot wake up before 9 a.m. I purchased a gym membership to go at 6:30 a.m. every day because I have become a completely new person overnight. If Kendall Jenner can do it every day, then so can I.

Trying to add too many new routines to your usual day negatively affects your self-esteem because you are setting goals for yourself that are unattainable in such a short period of time … but not for me.

I was diagnosed with anxiety a few years ago, but this year, I am just going to stop stressing altogether. I mean what do doctors really even know? I will not worry about being late because I have no reason to. I am always on time — why would I ever be late again?

I was on antibiotics more than once last year because I was sick so many times. But this year, I will not get sick. Not even a runny nose or a cough. Not even the really bad allergies I get in the springtime from all of the pollen, nope, not this year.

I will never stress again about the classes I missed while I was sick because I am neither stressed nor getting sick at all this year.

I also decided that I am tired of wearing all of the clothes in my closet, so I am getting rid of every item of clothing I own and buying a whole new wardrobe, Even the vintage items I have spent about five years of my life collecting.  They are not a proper symbol of my “New Year, New Me” mindset.

This will cost a lot of money, but I am willing to spend it.

I am only spending money on necessary and important things this year, including all new clothes. If it comes between buying groceries or a new sweater, the obvious choice is to buy the sweater.

Your new year’s resolutions should fulfill you, which is why I will be stopping any alcohol consumption even though I am a raging alcoholic and will be waking up with a violent hangover on January 1.