Satire: ‘the French’ don’t actually exist

France is just an act to promote big pastry



AP just mistakenly shared one of the world-elites’ most elaborate secrets with the entire world.

LUKE INGHAM, Evergreen columnist

In a now-deleted Tweet, the Associated Press (AP) deemed “the” French as a term to be avoided according to the updated AP style guide.

The AP cautioned against using the word “the” before a myriad of different descriptive words to avoid generalizing certain groups. The Tweet provided examples: “such as the poor, the mentally ill, the French, the disabled, [and] the college educated.”

The tweet went mega-viral and was mocked worldwide for its outrageousness. However, the AP didn’t make an error in the phrasing, rather they made a far more sinister mistake.

As it turns out, the AP accidentally just spilled one of the most tightly kept secrets in the world. France is, indeed, not a real place. And when you think about it, we should not have been so naive in the first place.

Think about all the evidence we had right in front of us. What is France known for? What is the biggest symbol of their culture? What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of France? Of course, the answer is the Eiffel Tower.

Everyone has seen pictures of the Eiffel Tower on postcards. Its figure and shape are world-renowned as a French icon. Its symbol is represented on the crest of Paris soccer club PSG, and images of the monument are spread across French tourism sites.

The Iron Lady is world famous and most certainly resides in the country of France.

But hold your horses, what if I told you that the Eiffel Tower isn’t even in France.

Through extensive research, experts from the University of Nevada Las Vegas, have discovered that the Eiffel Tower is located in Las Vegas, Nevada, over 5,500 miles from its proclaimed location. The biggest symbol of nationalism for people who claim their roots are French isn’t even in the supposed land of France.

When you think about it, Las Vegas really is the “city of lights.”

What is the second most common example of French culture? French fries.

Everyone loves French fries, they are consumed globally in numerous different forms. In America we have waffle fries, in England they have “chips.” Surely this part of their culture can be tied back to the largest country in Western Europe.

That is where we were wrong again. Turns out French fries are originally from Belgium, and the name French fries came from American soldiers during World War I who misidentified the Belgians.

But that’s not all: French fries aren’t the only famous dish whose title doesn’t live up to its namesake. Culinary experts now believe that French Toast was invented in Rome.

The U.N. has been promulgating this lie in front of us this whole time. Has France produced anything original?

Researchers dug deep to find anything that could prove the existence of this historic western power, even looking into the background of those supposedly born in France.

According to “French” birth records, “Harry Potter” actor Emma Watson was born in the now-fabled land of “France.”

This was quickly proven false as J.K. Rowling clearly states that Hermione is from the southeast of England. The facade of France is built purely from culture they have attempted to steal from the United Kingdom.

Researchers have been unable to prove that the country of France exists. AP just mistakenly shared one of the world-elites’ most elaborate secrets with the entire world. No wonder they deleted their Tweet so fast.

Embarrassing yourself to the level that the AP did is quite an impressive feat, almost as impressive as me writing this entire article without saying “the French.”