How to judge the best bathroom

CHRIS ARNESON | Evergreen columnist

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What elements, besides proximity, do you take into account when deciding which public bathroom you are going to use?

If your superhero power is smell, you are likely not a fan of most bathrooms in football stadiums, as these are not known for smelling like a Febreze factory. If you don’t like long lines, you are likely not a fan of most bathrooms in football stadiums as these can be Disney Land-esque. If you value cleanliness and privacy, you are likely not a fan of most bathrooms in football stadiums; you can probably tell I am not a big fan of most bathrooms in football stadiums.

But what separates one public restroom from the next when it comes to judging the best at WSU? After hours of doing calculations on a mirror with a dry erase marker like Will Hunting, I have determined the best public lavatory is in the CUB, and students agree.

From personal experience, I believe the most critical factor in selecting a public restroom is privacy, if it is an option. When you are going number two, the last thing you want is two people saddled up within an eight-foot radius, making you the worst sandwich on the Subway menu. Like they always say in real estate, “Location, location, location,” except this time, we are referring to the location of your next bowel movement, which is the only one that matters in my book.

Another crucial component to judging the best bathroom is the cleanliness and usability of the facility. The funny thing about going to the restroom in a public place is that we like to trick ourselves that another person wasn’t on the same toilet doing the same thing 11 minutes earlier. Our huge egos allow us to think we are christening every toilet bowl we encounter like “John the Baptist of the john.”

A third dynamic not to be forgotten when choosing a public commode is that of external intangibles that do not fit into the box score like smell and homeliness. Things like baby changing stations may seem ridiculous when you are a freshman in college, but wait until you have three infants running around your Chrysler Town and Country. Bonus points for home and garden magazines, plug-in candles and 1989 “Calvin & Hobbes” comic books that make you feel like you “Hot Tub Time Machined” to your uncle’s cabin in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.

Remembering these vital factors, I have selected the single toilet, a unisex facility located adjacent to the quiet lounge on the first floor of the CUB, that is the best public bathroom on the Pullman campus of Washington State University.

This latrine more than fulfills the qualifications laid out to determine which restroom is superior: privacy, cleanliness, usability and intangibles. When it comes to privacy, this public lavatory cannot be beat, as it is a single toilet unit with a locking door, the white whale for bathroom fiends far and wide. This restroom is also sparkling clean on a quotidian basis as well as being fully equipped with a baby changing station for all you Dodge Caravan drivers out there.

In establishing this public restroom to be the finest on our beautiful campus, my only regret is that its daily usage may increase tenfold after word gets out of its preeminence.