OPINION: Satire: Lactose intolerance won’t stop me

People with lactose intolerance deal with it in different ways — that could mean splurging on some delicious cheese



It sucks to be lactose intolerant because ice cream, cheese and pizza are a few of the seven wonders.

ALEXANDRIA OSBORNE, Evergreen reporter

Lactose intolerance is a well-known health issue that a lot of us have to battle. People who are lactose intolerant cannot eat any dairy because the symptoms are just that bad, some of which include projectile vomiting and constipation — or lack of it. 

There are multiple ways to fight off this horrible, tragic intolerance a lot of us have to face. Personally, I consume multiple dairy products at once, to help my immune system fight off the issue. 

This can result with my head being in the toilet for hours, but sometimes I am perfectly fine. To be honest, it really just depends on how healthy I have been the days beforehand. 

Ellington Fraser, creator of the End Lactose Intolerance movement, agrees with me on this. She said if she has eaten healthier food for a couple of weeks, overdosing in dairy products will not hit her as hard.

“If I eat like absolute crap for a few days, I have to really watch out for the dairy products,” she said. “If I don’t, I’ll end up with a stomach ache for hours on end.” 

I can definitely feel for Fraser. A stomach ache from a dairy overdose is one of the worst experiences I have ever been through. There was even a time where my friend had to pull over while driving me home so I could puke on the side of the road. 

Even though Fraser and I can agree on how our eating habits affect our levels of intolerance, Apollo Caspian, member of a lactose intolerance support group, feels the exact opposite. 

He said no matter what he does, he always feels absolutely nasty whenever he eats dairy, especially cheese.

“Cheese is just the worst for me. I love it and I hate it at the same time,” he said. “I only eat dairy on special occasions, and even then it’s not a lot.”

While Fraser and Caspian handle their intolerance differently, the three of us can all agree that we miss the days when we could eat any amount of whatever dairy product we wanted, without being sent to the bathroom for who knows how long.

Fraser said her late-night comfort food used to be pizza from Domino’s, and she would always have a strawberry smoothie made with yogurt in the morning.

Now that she has an intolerance to dairy, she would not be able to get through half of that smoothie without feeling gross if she made one for herself again.

“I’ll sometimes just have one if I’m having a night in or something,” she said. “But I just wish I could go back to when I was seven and didn’t have any issues with it.” 

Caspian said he always enjoyed being able to order burritos without having to ask for them to be made without the sour cream.

“I’ve had to send some back a couple of times,” he said. “I feel bad, but it’s for my health.” 

I know where both Fraser and Caspian are coming from. Having special orders and only eating dairy when I know I will be alone for the rest of the night is extremely difficult. Sometimes, it is worth it to just eat the dairy without worrying about it until later.