Satire: Dear Satirist, is summer school worth my time?

Of course, who does not want to spend sunny days in class?



Don’t worry, it will be over soon

CARSON HOLLAND, Evergreen columnist

Dear Satirist,

After needing a few more classes for my major I decided to take summer classes in Pullman, and I have a ton of questions.

Why does it cost so much? Why do Orientation Groups always seem to find me? How do I avoid the existential dread that is fast approaching just like the normal fall semester? Did I make the right choice?

Thank you for answering my questions, and hope to see you around Pullman!



Well, HuskiesCantRead509, those are some big questions! I originally planned on completely ignoring them like the pile of assignments I have not done or the grocery shopping list that is sitting on my fridge, but figured, “why not?”

I can safely say that the only wrong choice you could make would be to not attend summer school in Pullman, so welcome aboard the fun train! Population one-tenth of fall or spring (if you are lucky). 

Why does it cost so much?

Well now, that question is just silly. WSU needs to be able to offer you the best Coug experience possible, and one of the perquisites for that is a direct pipeline to your bank account. What would you be using that money for anyway, going on summer vacations or road trips?   

No, of course not! You are in Pullman over the summer. 

Your second question is a school secret, but like a young teenager who just got told about someone’s crush, I would be happy to fill you in on the hot goss. It turns out that Orientation groups, now dubbed New Coug Orientation, attach little trackers to you so they can find you wherever they need.

It is a lot harder to provide Orientation students a look into what their student life would be like, so that is where you come in. Think of it as being between a museum exhibit and one of those people who always seem to end up on college recruitment brochures!

Those Orientation groups might have questions for you, so remember, Cougs Help Cougs! Take off running as fast as you can in the opposite direction, and only if they can catch you do they get to learn about the school.

The next question is an interesting one! As it turns out summer vacation is shorter than you think, and being on campus taking classes only speeds that up exponentially. There is no stopping on this crazy ride!

But how do you stop the feeling of dread that the fall semester starts in about two months, or 76 days? That your summer is slowly slipping away just like the money in your bank account paying for college?

Haha, what a good question! Never stop exploring those answers! 

Of course, many people in Pullman who are taking summer classes also have other commitments. Whether it is a summer job, internship or just trying to squeeze some fun out of the college town, you might have your hands full. 

One of the best parts about summer classes is almost everyone around you is in the exact same boat you are in, so fret not. Enjoy classic summer activities like coming home after work and sleeping, or, if you are feeling extra wild, put some cream cheese on a bagel. 

The opportunities in Pullman are nearly endless!

That of course brings us to your last question – was it all worth it?

Oh, that was not your question? My bad, I was not really paying attention while reading it, just kind of filling in the blanks as I go. 

Did you make the right choice?

Well, you certainly made a choice, and that is all that matters really. Pullman is the best summer that you will have in a college town in eastern Washington with a cougar mascot, so hey, it could be worse.

Just remember the crippling anxiety of having too much on your plate is completely natural and makes you really good at juggling!

And if you feel like the days are melting together, soon it will be the fall semester and you will not have that problem. 

Enjoy your summer classes, embrace the burning heat and procrastination, and you should be fine to take on the world!