Satire: Welcome to (summertime) Pullman!

Where did all your friends go? Why is it so hot? I’m going to answer none of those questions



Get ready for the most delightfully mediocre summer of your life.

CARSON HOLLAND, Evergreen columnist

If you are reading this, you probably fall into one of two categories: either you have gone off to wherever you call home or are on vacation, enjoying your time off from school and work.

Or you are in Pullman over the summer. 

Now, worry not, dear reader! I intend to completely ignore the first group, as this article is just for us brave few in Pullman. While you may have thought that Pullman’s population looks like a gameday weekend over the summer, the silence on the Glenn Terrell Mall is deafening. 

But it is not all doom and gloom! There are also copious amounts of fields around! If you are feeling down, use this guide to help you through the summer. 

First and foremost, you need to make some friends. 

If you are taking classes or working at the university, this is a great outlet, but the trick is to ignore them completely. The go-to technique that they do not want to tell you about is chasing after the Parking and Transportation Services car that has ticketed your car multiple times already!

I heard the drivers have great senses of humor and are probably just looking for someone to do a ride-along with them as they are protecting the WSU streets from illegal parking.  

Pullman proper has a hopping downtown inhabited by (who would have thought!) Pullman residents! There are some great restaurants and bars along the main drag where they tend to congregate away from heat and responsibilities.  

Make sure to mention how you are basically a permanent Pullman resident because you are staying the summer, in order to connect with them quickly. A good opener is asking if they have a pool and if you can use it when they are not home. 

If you are on the campus at all during the summer, you may see an orientation group or two marching around. It is up to you to show them the Coug spirit by throwing a football at random toward them. Who knows, you may find the next football star! 

There is nothing prospective students like more than to be thrown right into things. Follow up the football throw with a tackle that would make Brian Ward proud. 

Any summer resident will tell you that it gets unreasonably hot in Pullman. Before someone inevitably tries to correct you by saying that it is a dry heat, I want you to trust me first.

It is hot

There are a few things that you can do in order to beat the heat. First and foremost, if you do not have reliable AC, then getting fans is a must. Even if you do have air conditioning, you can sit in front of it like a dog sticking its head out the window. 

I would recommend buying every fan that the stores have in stock, that way when the heatwave comes you can sell them at quadruple the price. Maybe then you will finally be able to afford summer classes! 

“Please don’t buy up all of our fans,” Karson Parke, assistant to the regional manager for Roofmart, said. “I don’t think that we can legally stop you but leave enough for everyone. What are you even going to do with so many fans?”

Do not let him stop you, do not let the constraints of Pullman stop you! Take the power-generating windmills that are set up on the way to Spokane while you are at it!

Some people may tell you to visit Moscow during the summer, citing the fun Farmer’s Market or expansion of restaurants and shops you would have access to. Take it from a summer veteran and avoid Idaho.

Imagine that the state dropped into the ocean, one conveniently made of wheat, and all of your troubles will melt away. Well, hopefully, they do not actually melt away.

I understand the desire of wanting to get out of Pullman for a while though. But if you have seen gas prices then you will think twice about trying to escape your Cougar-themed prison. Instead of feeling blue, I would recommend the time-honored tradition. 

Make friends with someone who likes to pay for gas. 

If you have gotten this far, do not despair, there are worse places to spend summer than Pullman. Enjoy the people, businesses, and encroaching dread of the fall semester starting in a few months.

Remember completely out of context this advice – Chase, Football, Tackle, Buy Fans, Avoid Moscow or CFTBFAM and you will succeed!