Satire: City of Pullman announces new canal transit system

City Council issues statement that it has nothing to do with burst pipes



Boat and floaty sales have skyrocketed following the announcement.

CARSON HOLLAND, Evergreen columnist

Pullman City Council announced the opening of a new public transportation system, the Pullman Canal Transit. 

Every street within Pullman has been flooded in order to make way for this brave new system, though some Pullman residents and WSU students cannot help but wonder if this was really the city’s plan the entire time. 

Senior history major Bryce Fairchild was hesitant to buy into the new public transport to get to his classes on campus. 

“I’m not saying they couldn’t have done it, but it just seems a little suspicious is all. They just told us that the water around those streets was unsafe to drink,” Fairchild said. “Like a few weeks ago the pipes burst and now all of a sudden we finally have something to replace the buses? Seems too good to be true.”

Careful Bryce … if the city hears you talking like that, the next pipe that needs to be repaired will be under your dorm. 

Not everyone is as paranoid about the PCT as Fairchild, and many have embraced the new with open arms, as well as pool floats. 

In the warmer months it is going to be great, you just hop in an intertube and float down to History 105, or right to Walmart to get your groceries. 

Do not listen to engineering or physics students saying how that is “not how it would work,” and “you wouldn’t be able to float up all of these hills.” They obviously have not been paying attention to class, of course that is how it works!

People who are scared of this new change are just not able to see the potential. Have you not always wanted to float down through the main streets of Pullman or take a shower and get to class at the same time?

Some residents have pointed to the recent pipe bursts as some kind of proof that this might be the start of a greater problem and not the public infrastructure solution that the Pullman City Council is announcing it is. 

Has no one heard of test runs? Obviously the city wanted to make sure they were able to cut off a significant part of traffic while also incredibly inconveniencing the residents, businesses and school offices around said pipes.

Let me tell you, mission accomplished. I was even considering installing water wheels on my car in order to get to work. I am sure that nothing could go wrong with all the pipes being … intentionally … burst for the canals. 

Besides, I always wanted to live on beachfront property, just never thought I would be able to do that in Pullman. 

Unfortunately, the canal project of the city may be put under increased scrutiny by state investigators after a report was released on the city’s plumbing and water pipe system. The report detailed that the city began constructing their pipes out of papier-mâché and “hope” after recent budget cuts.

Now I am no civil engineer but I would have thought that papier-mâché would have easily been able to stand up against rushing water. What is next, are they going to say our roads are made of Nature Valley Bars?

Although on second thought …

While I do the legwork for that potential groundbreaking investigation I urge all Pullman residents and WSU students to enjoy the waterworks, especially before the weather gets cold. Because Cougs floating on a tube seems much easier than ice skating to class.