Ted Shawn said, “Dance is the only art of which we ourselves are the stuff of which it is made.”

As far back as cave drawings exist, humans have been dancing as a form of artistic expression, cultural ritual and pleasure. They have taken to streets, studios, stages, and in desperate times, even seated men.

Unfortunately, unlike ritual dances, the evolution of the lap dance has not been accurately chronicled. For whatever reason, our Neanderthal ancestors neglected to record this integral part of human history. 

Lucky for us, Penthouse and modern film picked up the slack.

The secret to a great lap dance is two-fold: atmospherics and kinetics.

As a general rule, atmospheric elements are underrated in the collegiate bedroom. In this instance, they serve an important, prop-like purpose. A dimly-lit room can add to the mood, increase confidence of both participating parties, and allow individuals to lower their inhibitions. Candles, if positioned safely, are recommended as well.

Music and clothing set the tone of the dance. Pick music you enjoy, but that aligns with the mood you are trying to set. If you’re going for sensual, use your soundtrack to say it. If you’re attempting to replicate a strip club, you might try an outfit and music that signify something more intense.

On a musical note, be sure that the song is something you can realistically dance to. Don’t be outpaced by too fast a song, or left paralyzed by a molasses-slow ballad. Consult the Internet and practice beforehand to coordinate a few moves.

Dress sexy, but comfortably. Choose an outfit that you can bend and shift in without worrying about ripping or catching on the chair.

Finally, as far as atmospheric elements go, choose a sturdy chair. If you can find one with a strong back, legs, and a circular bottom, you’ve hit the jackpot. Be sure the chair can support both you and your partner. If it feels unstable early on, don’t continue to use it. Rocking and shifting motions will only make matters worse. 

With a set, stable environment, have fun. Dance like the generations before you would want you to. 

Know that a great lap dance is as much about the entrance and exit as the event itself; so in the least gross way possible, stick your landing. Approach with grace, but with a fun attitude. Mind your facial expression and aim for consistency even if things get a little awkward.

Use the chair and your partner’s body weight to leverage yourself. Wrap both legs around the chair and lean back or forward as is comfortable. For a more intimate feel, wrap your arms around your partner’s neck and tease them with your mouth. This is a time to display your body, not shy away from it. Bend, move around and even touch yourself if you want. 

For more explicit instructions, Google the matter. Otherwise, in the words of Leann Womack, “I hope you dance.” 

Abby Student is a senior communcation major from Sammamish. She can be contacted at 335-1140 or by [email protected]. The opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily those of the staff of The Daily Evergreen or those of the Office of Student Media.