Bette Midler said, “The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.”

She nailed it on the head. Rarely does the world applaud your successes at the same volume and enthusiasm that you do.

But there are a select few people in this world we expect to. They’re our God-given or evolutionarily obligated cheerleaders. They’re our parents, friends, bosses, mentors and significant others.

However, sometimes even the obliged fumble and drop us from the top of the pyramid.

Last week, I found myself the wimpiest on the spirit squad.

Over the last three months, I have spent 10 to 15 hours a week applying for jobs in the New York City, Boston and D.C. areas. For various reasons, I haven’t had much success.

After two weeks of applying, my boyfriend landed a phone interview with a company in his field in New York. Naturally, this incited an internal meltdown on my part.  

Even more naturally, my internal meltdown became external all too quickly.

In one conversation, I managed to devalue his accomplishment, make it about myself and scream very, very loudly.

As you or any psychologist worth their salt might guess, I was jealous. I was upset that he had success right away and that my job prospects weren’t looking good after putting years of hard work into my career.

To me, it felt unfair and inequitable.

My experience along with a friend’s story made me consider the importance of building up your significant other.

Specifically, I wondered about how we are supposed to build others up when our personal going gets tough.

Instead of turning good news into divorce court like I did, WSU psychology professor Laurie Smith-Nelson advised taking some time to reflect on the source of the problem. She advised asking yourself, ‘What am I reacting to?’

This self-reflection can be tough and eye opening, especially if you’re really honest with yourself. In my case, it was being scared that he would get a great opportunity and I wouldn’t.

Smith-Nelson explained that even after reflection, we still may not fully understand what we’re reacting to.

“Everyone has blind spots,” she said. “Everyone has that thing that shakes their confidence and rocks their world.”

Like a competent driver, we must account for our blind spots, both those we acknowledge and those we have yet to grasp.

From this relational misstep, I learned that I’m afraid of failing in front of others. I also learned my first reaction is pretty emotionally charged. However, neither of those things excuses my behavior.

“Respect yourself and your partner enough to invest the time in understanding your thoughts, feelings, and reactions before you talk about it,” Smith said.

With that, she acknowledged that nobody is perfect, hard as they may try.

“In good relationships, there’s always a way to make repairs,” she said.

Smith explained the importance of apologizing, accepting responsibility, and ultimately, conducting ourselves differently in the future.

Repair attempts begin with communication and getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. Couples must be able to have difficult conversations to move past the hiccups in life.

“We all make mistakes, feel badly, and work to repair it,” Smith said.

However, Smith noted that if there is a clear lack of remorse in instances like these, the relationship might not be one worth holding onto.

For most, being with someone who can’t or doesn’t want to celebrate our achievements is a deal breaker, she explained.

This idea rang true for me, which is why I was so disappointed with my knee-jerk reaction to my boyfriend’s news. Earlier I said I was jealous, but that’s not entirely accurate. A wise polyamorist told me months ago that jealousy isn’t real.

In his words, jealously is a label we slap on a different emotion or a combination of emotions to explain how we’re feeling. It’s what we say when we don’t want to deal with the real emotions we’re facing.

Again, I wasn’t jealous.

I was insecure that I wouldn’t be successful. I was afraid that his accomplishments would cast a dark shadow over my failure and that others would see it.

Walter Anderson said, “Our lives only improve when we take chances; and the first and most difficult risk we can take is being honest with ourselves.”

Luckily, I had a partner who knew that all along. I just had to figure it out myself.